Adventures in measuring my standards with my own ruler

   The other day someone told me that I was too hard on myself. In fact he reiterated this point. I seriously had no idea that he ever even noticed this about me. I know this about myself but something about the fact that he noticed this and felt the need to make sure that I understood this brought about some new awareness. How hard am I on myself? Really? I think this is something that goes so deep that it will take me a while to really understand all the levels in which I am too hard on myself. Possibly for the rest of my life.

   Somewhere along the line I got the idea that I don't work hard enough, that I'm not passionate enough or that I'm doing something wrong because I'm not living the life that I've dreamed about for so long. I also believe sometimes that I'm not good enough (for whatever...you name it) or that I screwed it up. I don't know where this idea came from but the fact that I entertain the idea that I'm not enough, that I need to be more, do more, figure it out and continue to nourish this idea, is my responsibility. I am why this idea still exists in my life.

Or maybe it's the gnomes telling me I'm not enough..

   It just occurred to me that I've been measuring my personal standard and give-all ability against other people and their standard of give-all ability. It also just occurred to me that I could ask myself, "What is my standard of give-all ability? At what level can I give my all and not lose my mind or my health?" I'm not sure what the answer is yet but I know that if I compare it to those standards of anyone else, I am using an inaccurate ruler for which to measure myself with. This goes for anything with life really, but today I am addressing an area in my life that has yet to be exposed.

   I've been struggling with depression and exhaustion lately. This has been really hard for me because I don't feel like myself. I'm a pretty energetic, go-get-it kind of person. Always on the go, in the middle of several projects. But lately I've felt completely overwhelmed by even the smallest tasks, even the things I love to do the most and I cannot bring myself to do them. I have no physical, mental or emotional energy for any of them. I am currently operating at bare bones. Ask anyone who knows me, this is highly unusual.
 
   Normally I would see this as a weakness, or a major setback causing me to fall months behind on anything and everything...my life is crumbling away and there is nothing I can do! Causing me to feel sad and defeated.

   Something different is happening this time. I don't seem to mind too much that I don't have the energy right now. I am welcoming this opportunity to rearrange my life. Because I am operating at bare bones, I only have energy for that which is most important, everything else has to wait and there's not a damn thing wrong with that. In fact I wish I could just stop everything in my life for a week or two and reassess everything...all of it. Take what I want and leave the rest but it doesn't quite work that way. I can do that if I clean out a room in the house but I cant do that with my mind.

Down time. Period.

   With my mind it's more of a process. You see, I am also plagued with thinking too much, feelings of obligation and apparently measuring my abilities against the abilities of others. But then again, maybe I want to use the excuse of excessive thought and all my obligations as an excuse for lack of action. (Am I being too hard on myself again?)

   It seems that it really is just that simple...find that which is serving my greater purpose and nourish it, the rest of it doesn't need my energy, mental, physical, emotional or otherwise.

   I don't know much right now except that I'm in great need of down time and personal reassessment. What I do know is that the amount of energy that I put into my goals can only be the amount of energy that I can put into them and not that of anyone else. If someone one else can achieve those same goals in less time or even more time for that matter, good for them. I live my life the way that I choose and if I continue to believe that I need to be keeping up with or slowing down to anyone else's pace, I wouldn't be true to myself and my personal needs. I wouldn't be honoring me.

   Right now I feel as though I am in a cocoon, brewing, reassessing, resting, changing. (Actually I think I'm still in the process of building the cocoon). The caterpillar doesn't know why it's in the cocoon, only that this is what it needs to do. It literally has no other choice. It will only emerge when the time is right. And when it does, it is beautiful. It actually sprouted wings. It has different capabilities and different needs, yet its caterpillar past is still very much a huge part of what it is. It's past life and the down time in the cocoon is what made it the butterfly that it is today.

   A pretty cliche metaphor I know, but I don't care, it's completely accurate for me and that's what matters. Whatever becomes of all this will be beautiful. I will grow my wings and I will fly. That I can guarantee! In the mean time I will be doing a lot less.

The Adventure that was February: music, curling, heartache, love, family, friends, stilt pants, stress and awesome

   That month....February, oh February you took me for quite the ride! The title doesn't even tell it all (but mostly I guess it kinda does).

   First off (I'm about to make myself sound like an idiot) when I changed the calendar at work from January to February, I was totally convinced that February was misspelled...where the hell did that "R" after the "B" come from? Does UPS know they misspelled it on their calendar? (this really happened by the way...I'm not so wet-brained anymore but sometimes I still think like one).

So here is my month summarized mostly in order.

Slight (ongoing) rawness in my heart:
   A relationship of sorts ending and the emotional stuff from that. New levels of awareness about myself and my patterns with men have been jogging around my head. Its good stuff and I appreciate the fact that I can be aware of these behaviors but it does add another layer of emo weirdness to my daily life while these new understandings emerge.

First project for my Action Heart Fashion business:
   My friend has hired me to make him stilting pants! When they're done, they'll kick all kinds of stilting ass!

 Here is one part of the stilt pant legs, mid-project

Hosting a musical Valentine's event:
   I put on an open mic style tribute to heartbreak on Valentine's day at a local venue here called the Honeymoon. It was titled "It's Not Me, It's You". Several people signed up and performed all kinds of songs about heartache. It was great and according to the feedback, a fun time was had by all!

Me and my lovely friend Kerrie at "It's not me, it's you"

Kicking music practice up several notches:
   A friend of mine wanted me to perform a duet with him at the V-Day event so I had to learn a new song. Also my band Skitnik was preparing for two gigs within less than a week of each other while adding three new songs to our set list. This meant added rehearsals and upping my personal practice by several hours per week.

A new tattoo:
   Recent developments in my life caused me to up the ante on my self-love stuff and I decided to make that commitment to myself permanent and pretty!

Not bad for stick and poke

New software learned at work...and I don't even have a desk job:
   I had to shift my hours a bit and come in super early while juggling extra tasks in my regular life. I also have little interest in learning the software so my motivation for it was pretty minimal, which makes it all that much harder to care about....the rest of my life is so much cooler than e-commerce.

Curling (yes, curling!) in Seattle:
   For several years my brother Sterling has hosted an event for his birthday entitled "Curling With Sterling". We bundle up and head out to the Granite Curling Club and curl our brains out for four hours with family and friends. This year we met up before hand at my cousin's house for food and family mingling, so much fun! I love my family and pretty much every opportunity we have to get together, we do. Even if that means driving several hours there and back in one day, we do it! It's what we do for each other and to spend time together.

Ready to sweep!

A day with my Hetero life-mate:
   My dear, amazing friend who I haven't seen in five and a half years was going to be visiting the area for derby business. She wasn't able to come up to Bellingham on her one free day here so I drove to SeaTac, picked her up and we spent the day doing almost nothing. It was awesome! It felt like there hadn't been hardly any space of time since we had last seen each other. One of the many reasons why I love this woman so much...with her, I can just be. Its natural, easy, loving, silly and relaxing. We had nothing really on the agenda and the lovely Pacific Northwest weather was doing just that..raining. So we just were. One thing we did need to do was find a photo booth, it's one of the things we do when we get together. In search of one we found something better...The Medal Master! This bad boy etches your picture onto a little charm! We made three of them, one for each of us and one for my mom.

Love this woman!

Skitnik's biggest show yet:
   We got to open for March Fourth Marching Band at the Wild Buffalo! (technically this happened on March 1st but it wrapped up this month just perfectly so I'm adding it in).  If you haven't seen or heard of M4, check them out, they're awesome!! The whole band was super excited and honored to get to open for such an amazing act! They're a high energy, fabulously costumed dance band with stilt-walking and dancing performers. They tour constantly and have been going strong for ten years! Oh and did I mention they eye candy?! There's a little something for everyone to gaze at in that band! And we got to open for them in front of a sold out crowd! How awesome is that? I got to cross something off of my "bucket list" that I didn't know was on there...it's amazing how wonderful life can be! The greatest part about it for me was the fact that I get be a part of such awesomeness and magic with six other amazing people collectively doing something that we love, working hard together to keep it going strong and to keep it something that we all enjoy, love and care about. Have I mentioned how much I love Skitnik?

Having fun and making people dance!

Took some down time:
   I don't do this often. In fact I'm pretty horrible at it. I quite often only get downtime after I have run myself so hard for so long that my body no longer gives me the choice. But this month, especially in the last week, I allowed myself to not do shit. And by that I mean sitting and watching a movie in the evening. Which I did on more than one occasion this month. That alone is almost completely unheard of for me. Tonight, I plan on doing it again (can you say Harry Potter marathon?). Today, my intention was to get an espresso to go at the Black Drop Coffeehouse but I ended up taking a seat in the sun and just sitting. I did take a couple pictures (I can't help myself), otherwise I just sat and stared and watched other people enjoy the sun, just sitting. Crazy!

Sitting. Just. Sitting.

Life is good. There is a lot going on and it's all pretty much an awesome adventure in experience and learning how to do all the stuff I love without losing my mind or making myself sick.

Stay tuned for my next adventure...what will it be?


Adventure tip:

In the magical land of Seattle there is a place called Miner's Landing. Whilst my Hetero Life-Mate and I were searching high and low for a photo booth to cram ourselves into that was open before 4pm we were directed to the arcade where, you guessed it, they have a photo booth. Two of them actually. However...they have something even better than a photo booth that we believe we were divinely lead to and that was the Medal Master!  If you're ever near Pike Place Market wander on down to Pier 57 and get your face etched onto a little charm!

Hard Drive Crash: Adventures in Being Somewhat Computerless

Well, I think my hard drive crashed. I'm not quite sure yet because I haven't heard from the repair shop. That is what it's looking like though. The good thing is that I backed up my computer the night before I took it in.

What does this all mean? My video project is postponed even longer (so much for that mid January goal), I'm unable to work on my website for my new costuming business, Action Heart Fashion, and I'm attempting to post to the blog from my space phone.

Unfortunately I have all these lovely ideas swimming around my brain and experiences to write out and tell you all about however, it just isn't going to happen this week. That also means no pictures.

The good part about not having my computer is that I am forced to focus this particular aspect of my creativity into other areas of my life. Much is happening in my real (non virtual) life and I must say, I quite like it that way.

Short and sweet this week but don't fret, I will be back in full swing soon! And there is so much happening and planned to happen in my life soon that you certainly will be hearing about it!

Until I get my electric box back from the shop...

A Path of Less Heartache: Adventures in Self Love

   Eight years ago I was a different person. I was still Carrie but I only allowed myself to be a shell of who I actually am. Eight years ago I was constantly drunk, constantly afraid and hated myself. I did not go on many adventures, unless you count the fuzzy, vomit-lined, stumbling drunk adventures many parts of which escape my memory.

Here's me passed out on the street in my hometown. My boyfriend was so kind as to take my picture. Not as a reminder for me but because he was mad at me...apparently I wasn't being very nice that evening. The dog is tied up to me so I wouldn't be left alone while he went to try to call a cab. Yes, that is vomit. This is just screaming self love...right...right?

   Eight years ago I met an amazing guy (the guy who took that pic). He was cute, awkward, goofy, dirty, thoughtful, smart and fun. We hit it off immediately and spent a lot of time together. He told me about how he lived his life, how he dealt with his emotions, what pushed his buttons, what he did when he got hurt. I heard all of this, took it into account. 

   With what I knew about myself and what he told me about himself I knew that "he would destroy me" (those were my exact thoughts). What did I do? Well I really liked him, he was so wonderful and I hated myself so I opted for the path of destruction. This choice lead to two intense years of abuse, heartache and self destruction for both of us. 

   Six years ago this relationship is what threw me, head first, onto my path to sobriety, self-love and recovery. It literally took about two years to get over the heartache from said relationship. My songwriting skills, amazing friends and a lot of support helped me work through a lot of it. 

  Six years ago it all started with tiny acts of self-love. I mean seriously small acts such as basic hygiene, eating food, getting to work on time and allowing myself to be human. These are huge acts for the self-hating. The more I did these tasks of self love, the more of them I was able to do. Then eventually larger, more difficult acts of self love like keeping up with my yoga practice, connecting with loved ones and allowing myself time to rest even when there is a ton of work to be done.

   The ability to do kind things for myself has aided significantly in boosting my self esteem which in turn has helped to improve my ability to set (and maintain) healthy boundaries for myself...and my heart.

   This week I was able to do just that in the spur of the moment and while tired. I was having a conversation with the totally amazing guy I've been (kind of) seeing about how our situation was working for us. He told me about how he lives his life, how he handles his emotions, what pushes his buttons and what his needs are. I heard what he said and took them into account. (In his defense, this guy is of much higher caliber than the guy from eight years ago.) In recognizing and honoring the facts about myself, how I handle my emotions and what my needs are, I was able to see that continuing a relationship with him beyond friendship would cause me unnecessary heartache. And a lot of it.

   What did I do? Right then and there I was able to speak up for myself and say that it wouldn't work for me and that I would need to back off a few notches. I have boundaries for my heart and my life that I stuck to despite the fact that I really like this guy. I also didn't have to be a total bitch about it. It was actually quite a mature situation. (Where did this woman come from?!)

   Am I bummed about this possible relationship not working out? You bet! But the amount of heartache I experience now, I know will pale in comparison to the pain I would've gone through if I tried to hold on to the relationship longer.

   I am pretty amazed at how drastically different I handled these two very similar situations. I have come so far in eight years. In fact, even a year ago I would have held on to this relationship a little longer. But not this time. This time I decided not to fuck around with my heart and my head.

Giving myself the awesome self-love thumbs up!! (jeez my hand looks huge here!)

   The beauty of this is that it makes me much more capable of effectively continuing to spread the love that I have in my heart for everyone I come into contact with, including this guy. How awesome is that?

   Self love my friends, self love! The least selfish thing anyone can do is take good care of themselves.
 
 Until we meet again friends!



Adventure Tip:
Everyday before I do much of anything else, I read from a couple of daily meditation books. Some people may find this practice silly or ineffective but it works for me. One of these is Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go. Meant for co-dependents but I find that many of the readings could be valuable to just about anyone. The other is Courage to Change which is a book from Al-Anon (for friends and family of alcoholics and addicts and for co-dependents). Again this one could be beneficial for many. The other thing I do is get daily emails from The Daily Love. I know I've mentioned this site on here before but it's certainly worth mentioning again. I get so much out of this daily email. I love how Mastin shares his message. It works for me. I encourage you to find a daily practice that works for you. One that supports self-love. Even if it seems tiny or insignificant...DO IT! Do it everyday. I promise, you will not regret it!

Trash the old script and make your own rules..Maybe your biggest adventure yet!

Today is the day and this is the moment. There is no other moment, not right now anyway.

What if from here on out you could replace all that bullshit in your head with whatever you wanted?
--What new script would you write for yourself?

What if at this exact moment you could truly own yourself, your whole self, your entire being?
--Not the media, your family or friends, not your boss, not your god?

What if right this very second there were no prior rules already set to apply to your life?
--What would you do different?

What if while sitting here reading this you realized that you never had to apologize for being authentically you ever again?
--What dreams would you live out?

What if the only thing you ever had to do ever again was bring all the love and light that is uniquely you to whatever it is that you're doing at this moment, nothing more and nothing less?
--Could you relax? Could you let go?

What if you could look yourself in the mirror right now seeing every exposed nook and cranny, every hair, mole, muscle, stretch mark, skin flap, patch of cellulite, wrinkle, your gut, muffin top or six pack, every little uneven bit of beautiful human imperfection and love every inch and pound of it, I mean really love it?
--Would you stop comparing yourself to others?

What if you could look yourself in the eye and proclaim your devoted and undying love for yourself not matter what?
--Who would you become?

What if you knew that you had what it takes to make all of your dreams come true already inside of you?
--What would you search for now?

What if you knew that nothing could stop you from achieving your goals, not even yourself?
*What would you do?
*How would you feel?
*Where would you go?
*Who would you love?

What does freedom feel like?
Does freedom scare you?
Do these questions make you want to run and hide, switch back to your social network, the tv, that cookie, the clothes rack, the drink, your homework, your job?
Do they invoke a stirring in your guts? Somewhere deep within? Deeper than your physical self?

What if you could not only be loved but be love?

What would the world look like then?

There is no instruction manual for the living.
Past experience does not ever dictate how this current moment will go.

This is it.
This moment.
No rules.
No apologies.
Bring it!

Thanks for reading!

Do you have a friend that could benefit from my "words of wisdom"? Share this with them! You never know how one tiny thought or action could completely change someone's life.


Adventure Tip:
Living a life of freedom is rewarding but can also be difficult and tiring. I suggest an awesome soundtrack. I call mine the "Going Pro Soundtrack". It's full of songs that stir my guts, that make me cry tears of self-slavery ending joy, that make me want to take action, that make me want to bust my ego, that make me want to spread the love. It's full of songs that are impossible for me to hear and not follow my heart. Sometimes I listen to all the songs but more often one strikes me on a certain day and I listen to it all day. Today that song is Fall by M83 Vs. Big Black Delta (wait for it...2:30). Today, all day, while writing this blog and at this very moment, listening to this song, I know that I create my own fucking destiny!  What's on your gut stirring play list? Share with us!

video interview blog update

   Some of you may be checking in to see if my video project is finished. I did say that I was hoping for it to be done the beginning or middle of this month. However due to illness, holidays, some depression and straight up fear and weirdness, that is not going to happen. I'm still working on it and it will get finished, just not in my original time frame. So keep checking back because it will be here soon enough!!

Thanks!

adventures in loneliness and considering new friends

     This week I am missing people. No one specifically (no offense), just people in general. I like people. I like interacting with them. I like the adventure of meeting them, getting to know them, connecting, laughing with them, seeing what makes them tick and really just being around people.
 
   I am around other people everyday. But most days, not that many. Some days, other than the people at the checkout stand, it's only one or two other people that I get to connect with.

   Just over a year ago I moved into my very own place, without roommates, for the first time in my life ever. Okay, my son is my roommate but it is really a different situation with children. Plus he's only been here for the last five months. I'm talking adults. Or at least people my age-ish.

   My entire life I have lived with other people and I had wanted to live alone for a long time. I had this fantasy about it. About doing whatever I wanted, in my own time, in my own house, naked, baking and blasting dance music at 3am...or whatever.

   But the fantasy was not about living alone as much as it was about not having anyone else to answer to. I have been somewhat (that's an understatement) of a co-dependent for most of my life. And when you're a co-dependent everything you do is dictated by your perceived ideas of what other people think you should or shouldn't be doing. It is a cage, a self-imposed, ego-driven confinement, fueled by low self-esteem. So the idea of living alone meant I didn't have to worry about what anyone else thought of my music, food, decorating, pajamas or anything else...I would be free!

   Turns out it's not really like that. I mean, I guess in a way it is but it's not the freedom that I had anticipated. It certainly has its benefits. But the truth is, I really miss having people around. I miss smelling other people cooking, even if I don't get to eat it. I miss there being someone home when I get off work that I can sit and b.s. with for half an hour. I miss the noise in the house when I'm trying to sleep (because it actually helps me fall asleep). I miss the random ridiculousness and the true heart of people that you don't get to experience unless you live with them.

   I'm coming to the understanding that I value roommates and all that goes with them more than I value the freedom to walk around naked (which some roommates do anyway).

   Maybe I just need to make more friends and have them come over. I've never really been awesome at making friends. Don't get me wrong...I am a great friend and I have some amazing people in my life that I am very close with. But most of them live far away or have families with busy lives.

  When this woman in my yoga class, who was new in town, started talking to me consistently, I wondered why she was talking to me? She didn't know me or my friends. I didn't understand.  "Oh this is what people do...this is how they make friends. They meet people while doing things that they like and make friends with them....weird."

   Maybe I make friends in an awkward/backwards sort of way. I've always just been the type to meet friends of friends. I'm with my friends enough, I meet some of theirs and vice versa then boom, I have new friends. Same thing with guys. I've never really been one to date. "Lets meet at said location at such and such time, eat food and talk." What?! Can't we all just hang out? Single me out in a room and I tend to be kind of awkward (I am getting better at this one though)!

   It also seems that most times I really start to get pretty close and connect with someone, they go away for whatever reason. Always on good terms but that's just the way life is sometimes. Everyone has their own adventures and paths to follow. This does not stop me from trying though. My life is always enriched by these passing spirit connections.

  So what's next for me? If all goes well, I will be moving back into a roommate situation at the end of the summer. In the mean time I need to meet new people, make some connections and get out of the house more, which is hard to do as a single mom. Perhaps nourish some of the relationships I already have a little more. This loneliness thing is really starting to get to me.

   I used to think that I didn't need people and that I was much better off without them. People can disappoint and cause pain. Although these things are true, not having people in my life is much worse. It robs me of the adventure of absolute joy, love, support and companionship I get when I open myself to others. And as long as I don't watch any reality television, I generally think that all people are totally awesome!
  
Until we meet again!

Thanks for reading :) and feel free to comment. Can you relate to this? Tell us why!