A Two-part Adventure in Camping and Honoring Your Spirit

   I have dreams to pursue and goals to make happen. The two big ones right now are 1) more music, more and more music, playing, learning, collaborating, performing, making money at it, more music. 2) Travel as a lifestyle. I have several other goals for my life but these are the two that are taking the forefront in my life...FINALLY!!
 
   The music thing I am doing now but the travel thing, well I'm doing as much as I can but it's not my lifestyle yet. There are some other things that I'm working on so that can happen the way I want it to and I'm getting close, oh so close! I can almost taste it!

   Although I'm excited about the direction of my life, actively pursuing one's dreams often comes with fear, resistance, tears, shedding old beliefs, sacrifice, hard work, lack of sleep, the list goes on and on. But the satisfaction one gets from actually living your purpose is worth all of the difficulty.
 
   I am learning that most of the difficulty I encounter is really just me and my head drama taking on a new form. I see and feel it creep up most often in the form of distraction and busyness. I am oh so good at keeping myself busy. Most of it is great stuff too not the obvious things one might think like TV, social networking, gaming, etc. But obsessive health research and application, hanging out with friends, over organizing, unorganized shopping (mostly for groceries) and work (yes, my day job is a huge distraction). If I keep myself busy, I don't have to face my fears and I don't have to do the things that are really important to me and achieving my goals because, "don't you see, I've got grocery shopping to do".
 
   This week I needed to get away from all the distractions I've been participating in. I needed to give myself the space to be present for the fear that was rising inside of me that I was resisting. So I took myself and the dog to the lake.

    I have a spot that I like to go that is free, relatively secluded yet easy to get to and awe inspiring! When I go here I can't help but be totally present. There are no distractions just clear glacial water, a lot of trees, wide open sky and wildlife.

   The level of simplicity of my life mirrors my stress level and what I love about this kind of camping is that it's relatively primitive, at least I try to keep it that way. I do have some decent camp gear but I still filter my drinking water from the lake, cut all my veggies with my pocket knife, gather fire wood, eat out of the pan and go to sleep not too long after the sun sets. I also don't mind being dirty crapping in a hole or sleeping in my clothes. This type of camping requires presence of mind. I can't wander off too far in my head over thinking, blocking or getting too emotional about anything, I could easily do something stupid and freeze, starve or get dehydrated. It's that simple, yet a lot more work than it may sound like.

   It took me a little bit to get settled into "present mode" but when I did, the truth that I had been distracting and resisting came out loud and clear. My fear: that following my dreams will equal abandonment, that those that I love will not understand, will be hurt in some way and leave me or that they will feel abandoned by me because I will no longer be available to them in the way that I have been.
 
   Now I could say right now that this fear sounds silly and that the people who truly love me will always be there to support me, will absolutely enjoy receiving post cards from the road and will wildly throw their arms around me when they get the chance to see me. AND if they can't support me, then I don't really need them in my life.
 
   I know these things to be true but there is still a scared little girl in me sometimes who somewhere along the line believed the idea that she had to behave a certain way in order to receive love and to be safe. To fit in with the pack.
 
   Those who know me know that I have almost never been one to "follow the pack". I have always been wild, adventurous, creative, solitary and passionate. But sometimes just sometimes that fear of being left out and alone gets the better of me in some way or another. It's been coming up a lot in this whole "quit my job and follow my purpose as a world traveler, never mind where the money will come from, just gotta do it" thing.
 
   I find it amazing that whenever I start to get afraid, something happens that whips the fear's ass and brings Carrie back in. I have so much love and support where I didn't think I would. I have random tiny moments on off days when someone will say something to me, something so small but so big and it will reaffirm my purpose and smother my fear. It will fill my heart with absolute joy and courage knowing that the universe has my ass covered, that I'm on the right path and that I'm not alone!
 
   So back to the lake. As I was standing naked on solid rock, dripping wet from a swim, the sun drying my skin, a most gentle and lightly pine scented breeze blew through my lake soaked hair and I knew that no matter how fragile I felt, that I would be OK as long as I am gentle with myself.

   What I've become aware of (in yet, another new way) is that in order for this to work, in order for me to live out my purpose, I, Carrie, must be the one ultimately to accept myself and my purpose. I have to accept that it will take countless hours of dedication, much sacrifice and that some people wont understand and may feel abandoned. I must accept that at some times I will be alone in my adventure.
 
   I'm currently looking for members of this tribe. At this point it hasn't been easy to find people that are doing what I'm doing. What I know is that if I keep talking about it and continue in the direction of my dreams, I will find them! I will not be alone!

   Sometimes we must tread in the dark before we can see the light. And sometimes we have to be so bold as to venture alone in unknown territory in order to stumble upon others on a similar path. So I will continue on, doing things that scare the crap out of me and trigger my fear of abandonment because remaining where I'm at because it is comfortable and "safe" is absolutely detrimental to my soul!

   I will leave you with a quote from Stephen Covey thats been singing through my head and heart for the last couple of weeks. "You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage - pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically - to say 'no' to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger 'yes' burning inside. The enemy of the 'best' is often the 'good'."

Adventures in Fear and Confronting Yourself

   It's been an interesting week involving the emotional adventures in Carrie's head. (There will likely be some swearing in this episode). It started out hanging out with a guy friend of mine, a performance in Seattle with my band, continued with work on my current project, the second to last week of school and the onset of a bacterial infection. I got increasingly more tired throughout the week and by Thursday I was forced to spend about 36 consecutive hours, horizontally.

   Fighting an infection causes my brain to not fire logically at my normal capacity thus bringing my ability to handle my emotions with said logic down to about 20 percent. Do you see where I'm going with this? I've spent some time this week crying, talking with those closest to me and facing some of my demons. Thankfully I'm not pms-ing because who knows what sort of unruly bitch-beast would have been released!

    With my fluctuating hormones on my side this week I got to explore into the realm of "liking" someone. YES, I said it...I LIKE SOMEBODY! That's right I, Carrie, like A BOY. An intelligent, awkward, sexy, dirty, independent social butterfly who is a mad cook with a generous heart. Sounds terrible right? You said it! Gods forbid I enjoy a man's company enough to want to enjoy it a little bit more. I seriously have a problem with this, a big one. I don't want to like a boy. I hate liking boys. The last time I let myself get really excited about a boy he ended up beating the crap out of me on a regular basis for two years. So naturally, I'm a little hesitant.

    Don't worry, this post isn't about that sort of thing. Plus, I love myself today and I would never let anyone treat me like that ever again. That all being said, I'm still a scared little girl when it comes to liking someone. I will not allow myself to get excited about it. And that, my friends, is the most torturous part about the whole thing. I want to be excited (at least a little) but the mere thought of it literally terrifies me. I mentioned crying earlier...ya. This shit brings me to tears.

   My insides are all torn up about this. I want to dream about the adventures we could have together, what it would be like to travel with him, playing music, practicing yoga in remote and beautiful locations, cooking together and creating bizarre and delicious ferments, bike tours, hikes, shooting, meeting strangers, the list goes on and on. But I stop myself dead in my tracks. I stop before we've even held hands. I can't bring myself to do it. This may sound extreme but it feels like I will fucking die if I let myself dream.

    *sigh* I don't even want to get to the point where I even begin to like someone because that is where I start to die. So I try to fool myself into believing that I'm not really feeling what I'm feeling. This is where my lack of ability for logical thinking this week, came in handy because I could no longer reason myself out of my emotions. *Bing* Break-through time!

   Finally I allowed myself be okay with the fact that I like this dude. And now that I've had some time to work through my fears and calm down a bit, I want to profess my like for him right. this. minute. This is a big deal for me and I feel a sense of urgency. I need to know NOW if he likes me the same or I'm left not knowing if it is safe to continue liking him. So of course, as some sort of cosmic joke, certain circumstances have lead to there being no way of contacting him for several days unless I run into him somewhere. This leaves me sitting on my hands...waiting. Effing waiting! I can't wait for this!  Limbo. Freaking limbo! (I'm trying to keep it clean see).

   So what happens next? I get to be. I get to be still. It's actually a really good thing that I haven't been able to contact him this week or I likely would have done and/or said something really stupid. This way I get to really understand and own how I feel and not put it onto him. I get to see how all of these fears have nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. So when I do get to see him again, I can be confident and at peace with my own shit. I can continue the relationship, however it unfolds, with love and kindness instead of fear and expectations. (big ol' sigh of relief here!)

   The emotional roller coaster is exhausting! I'm glad that I don't ride it that often. Although it is a rough ride, it always results in some kind of personal break through and that is an awesome adventure, especially when it's finally through!

   I get back to the place of peace and personal acceptance with a new understanding of what makes me, me. And I love me!

   Over and out until next week friends!

   Please feel free to comment below on your own experience, how crazy you think I am or any other adventures you want to share!



Adventure Tip:
This week I encourage you to reach out to someone close if you are having a rough go about things. It is absolutely the most important thing for me to have several people that I can talk to about what I am going through. My friends are able to see my fears from an outside and unaffected perspective. They can see things that I can't or wont. They point them out to me lovingly and sometimes with a bop on the forehead...whatever makes me get it! (my friend actually did this to me this week). Without their loving support I can honestly say that I have no idea where I would be. They remind me that I am not alone in this world inside and outside of my head! So adventure beyond your fears and express them to a safe loved one.