A Note on Love

   Two dear friends of mine are engaged and I am so thrilled for them! As far as I can tell, they're as perfect for each other as any two people can be. When my friend asked me to be a bride's maid (of the informal type) I was honored. 

   My band is planning to perform at a festival out of town the same weekend as the wedding. Normally whatever the band wants takes priority over pretty much anything else in my life but not for this event. Dropping everything to be at my friend's side on her special day is more important than anything else to me. 

   Little did I know exactly how important that would be to her and her fiance. Turns out not everyone they've asked to participate in their wedding is willing to do so. 

   I really can't wrap my brain around not wanting to celebrate the absolute love and devotion between two amazing, loving and beautiful people. Let alone two people whom I absolutely love and adore! Two people whom I believe are well suited for each other and are coming together because of love, real love, honest love, scary love, dirty love, ugly love, pure love, beautiful love. They aren't getting married for selfish, needy and co-dependent reasons that so many people do.

   So what's the problem? Why are people who love both of them unwilling to participate? Apparently it's because they're both women. I know, I know…crazy right? 

   I get it, but I don't get it. I get it on the level of understanding that so many people have such limiting beliefs. For whatever reason they have them, they have them. BUT, I don't get it. 

   I'm not saying that whatever you believe in is wrong or right, better or worse. It all just is. 

   What I do want to say is that I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that wherever your beliefs came from, your faith, your higher power, your religion, your upbringing or whatever else, they limit you from celebrating love. They limit you from believing that real love, in any form, should be held in the absolute highest esteem! They limit you from being able to expand beyond your boxed in belief of something that knows no bounds. 

   Do you really honestly believe, with every inch of your flesh, blood, head, heart and spirit that your god would condemn love?! Or that you would be condemned for celebrating it between two people of the same sex? 

   If so, I'm sorry. I am truly sorry for you. I am sorry that your beliefs keep your spirit limited. I'm sorry that what you believe in limits love. 

   I want you to know that love has no limits. You cannot own love, you cannot control love, you cannot limit love (no matter what you believe). I want you to know that love is beyond you and me. Love is beyond belief and faith. And love is beyond god. 

Love…is. 

   For my lovely friends, I will be by your sides not only in the church on your special day but for every day before and after!

P.S. There are several people in my life, whom I love dearly, that hold what I think is a limiting belief on love. I love and adore them no less because of what they believe. We all have our place but that doesn't make me any less sad about it.

A Two-part Adventure in Camping and Honoring Your Spirit

   I have dreams to pursue and goals to make happen. The two big ones right now are 1) more music, more and more music, playing, learning, collaborating, performing, making money at it, more music. 2) Travel as a lifestyle. I have several other goals for my life but these are the two that are taking the forefront in my life...FINALLY!!
 
   The music thing I am doing now but the travel thing, well I'm doing as much as I can but it's not my lifestyle yet. There are some other things that I'm working on so that can happen the way I want it to and I'm getting close, oh so close! I can almost taste it!

   Although I'm excited about the direction of my life, actively pursuing one's dreams often comes with fear, resistance, tears, shedding old beliefs, sacrifice, hard work, lack of sleep, the list goes on and on. But the satisfaction one gets from actually living your purpose is worth all of the difficulty.
 
   I am learning that most of the difficulty I encounter is really just me and my head drama taking on a new form. I see and feel it creep up most often in the form of distraction and busyness. I am oh so good at keeping myself busy. Most of it is great stuff too not the obvious things one might think like TV, social networking, gaming, etc. But obsessive health research and application, hanging out with friends, over organizing, unorganized shopping (mostly for groceries) and work (yes, my day job is a huge distraction). If I keep myself busy, I don't have to face my fears and I don't have to do the things that are really important to me and achieving my goals because, "don't you see, I've got grocery shopping to do".
 
   This week I needed to get away from all the distractions I've been participating in. I needed to give myself the space to be present for the fear that was rising inside of me that I was resisting. So I took myself and the dog to the lake.

    I have a spot that I like to go that is free, relatively secluded yet easy to get to and awe inspiring! When I go here I can't help but be totally present. There are no distractions just clear glacial water, a lot of trees, wide open sky and wildlife.

   The level of simplicity of my life mirrors my stress level and what I love about this kind of camping is that it's relatively primitive, at least I try to keep it that way. I do have some decent camp gear but I still filter my drinking water from the lake, cut all my veggies with my pocket knife, gather fire wood, eat out of the pan and go to sleep not too long after the sun sets. I also don't mind being dirty crapping in a hole or sleeping in my clothes. This type of camping requires presence of mind. I can't wander off too far in my head over thinking, blocking or getting too emotional about anything, I could easily do something stupid and freeze, starve or get dehydrated. It's that simple, yet a lot more work than it may sound like.

   It took me a little bit to get settled into "present mode" but when I did, the truth that I had been distracting and resisting came out loud and clear. My fear: that following my dreams will equal abandonment, that those that I love will not understand, will be hurt in some way and leave me or that they will feel abandoned by me because I will no longer be available to them in the way that I have been.
 
   Now I could say right now that this fear sounds silly and that the people who truly love me will always be there to support me, will absolutely enjoy receiving post cards from the road and will wildly throw their arms around me when they get the chance to see me. AND if they can't support me, then I don't really need them in my life.
 
   I know these things to be true but there is still a scared little girl in me sometimes who somewhere along the line believed the idea that she had to behave a certain way in order to receive love and to be safe. To fit in with the pack.
 
   Those who know me know that I have almost never been one to "follow the pack". I have always been wild, adventurous, creative, solitary and passionate. But sometimes just sometimes that fear of being left out and alone gets the better of me in some way or another. It's been coming up a lot in this whole "quit my job and follow my purpose as a world traveler, never mind where the money will come from, just gotta do it" thing.
 
   I find it amazing that whenever I start to get afraid, something happens that whips the fear's ass and brings Carrie back in. I have so much love and support where I didn't think I would. I have random tiny moments on off days when someone will say something to me, something so small but so big and it will reaffirm my purpose and smother my fear. It will fill my heart with absolute joy and courage knowing that the universe has my ass covered, that I'm on the right path and that I'm not alone!
 
   So back to the lake. As I was standing naked on solid rock, dripping wet from a swim, the sun drying my skin, a most gentle and lightly pine scented breeze blew through my lake soaked hair and I knew that no matter how fragile I felt, that I would be OK as long as I am gentle with myself.

   What I've become aware of (in yet, another new way) is that in order for this to work, in order for me to live out my purpose, I, Carrie, must be the one ultimately to accept myself and my purpose. I have to accept that it will take countless hours of dedication, much sacrifice and that some people wont understand and may feel abandoned. I must accept that at some times I will be alone in my adventure.
 
   I'm currently looking for members of this tribe. At this point it hasn't been easy to find people that are doing what I'm doing. What I know is that if I keep talking about it and continue in the direction of my dreams, I will find them! I will not be alone!

   Sometimes we must tread in the dark before we can see the light. And sometimes we have to be so bold as to venture alone in unknown territory in order to stumble upon others on a similar path. So I will continue on, doing things that scare the crap out of me and trigger my fear of abandonment because remaining where I'm at because it is comfortable and "safe" is absolutely detrimental to my soul!

   I will leave you with a quote from Stephen Covey thats been singing through my head and heart for the last couple of weeks. "You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage - pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically - to say 'no' to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger 'yes' burning inside. The enemy of the 'best' is often the 'good'."

Adventures on a San Juan Island tour with Skitnik

Hooo boy! It's been a while. Life has been cray-Z. Here is my attempt at keeping this post to one topic: TOUR!!!

That's right...I got to go on an amazing San Juan island tour with my band Skitnik. Have I mentioned how much I love Skitnik? Haha...I'll probably stop saying that one of these days, but today is not that day.

Thanks to the hard work and connections of a couple of my band mates, we were able to play three shows on three islands in three days and it was totally awesome!

Waiting for the Ferry

We had a little fun exploring during the wait..

Photo Courtesy: Michelle Bates

This trip however, did not start out totally awesome for me. I had some type of weird stomach thing going on (food poisoning?) and I threw up three times that morning before we even hit our first destination. 

Here we are playing on the ferry. That's me on accordion. Maybe you can tell by the look on my face that I'm not feeling in top shape. 

Photo Courtesy: Michelle Bates

On our way to Waldron Island, all of us plus a few more AND all of our gear, crammed onto this little boat. 

And here are my feet on the way to Waldron :)

I think this photo speaks for itself!

Photo Courtesy: Alex Larson

Our first destination was Waldron Island where we held a music workshop for the school there. There are 14 kids, grades K-8 (I think) in one school. This place is awesome! If I had to go to school all over again, this would be the place. I could go into why but I think that would be another blog post entirely. 

The first thing I saw as I walked into the school was this beauty! Upon which my band mate immediately placed our band sign.

Waldron Island is like stepping into the 1940's. Its a totally different world there. People are very much who they are. There is a totally different level of living and simplicity when there are no paved roads, everyone uses outhouses, only private boats can access it and well I could go on...these are really only the superficial differences about living on this island. There is a feeling there that I can't quite describe. Giving it my best shot: real, calm and slow. There is nowhere to get in a hurry there and there is only so much you can hide on an island of about 85 year-round inhabitants. And really, they just don't seem to fuck around while at the same time being totally welcoming and engaging. 

That evening we played a show in the school (which is the town's main gathering place) with the band Los Hermanos. It was absolutely lovely to play for 3/4 of the entire population and to be a part of giving them some entertainment that they don't often get. 

Here is the view from where I slept on Waldron. It is also very similar to the view from the outhouse. I can't think of a more lovely place to back one out!

Next up was Orcas Island. We arrived on Orcas with plenty of time to get a good soak in at the Doe Bay Resort before our performance. I was still not feeling really well and this was a splendid way to get some serious healing on. 

There are no pictures allowed at the clothing optional hot tubs and sauna but here are a couple from the cliff near by.

 Life is rough, I tell ya!

Our show that night was at the Odd Fellow's Hall. We (ahem) didn't do a very good job advertising this particular gig. We ended up playing for and a grand total of 20 (including the other band). Despite the small number, we spared no energy. We gave that tiny crowd all we had and by the end of the night, everyone was on their feet. The energy in the room was fantastic! 

Some Los Hermanos and juggling on Orcas Island.

That night we decided to round out the night with a little karaoke at the local dive bar. Skitnik is fortunate enough to have some pretty talented friends. One of those amazing people is JustinCredible! He often does a couple of acts to our music in the middle of our set. He decided that he wanted to do his sword swallowing act during karaoke. One of our friends sang "Fame" by David Bowie, and Justin did his thing!

After the crowd went wild and the song was over I quote the seemingly perma-drunk karaoke host, "That's not fair, not everyone has a fucking sword swallower with them." Haha...I love it when we steal the show!

Photo courtesy: Alex Larson

The last day of tour was on Lopez Island. We arrived on Lopez early enough to meet some great people who allowed us to essentially take over their cozy yet amazing house and rest for a bit. I don't have words to describe the absolute loveliness of not only this house and property but even more so the people that inhabit it. 

No words. But here are a few pics.

This. House!

Chillin' out and playing a few tunes.

Rj being silly out on the part of the property where they hold "Brew Fest"

Our show that night was at the grange hall. I have no idea where it was exactly but it seemed to be almost in the middle of nowhere. The middle of nowhere...amazing! 

We packed the house and made them dance until the walls were sweating! 

When we were packed and cleaned up several of us ended up on the front steps of the grange hall. As we were out there chatting and admiring the unpredicted clear skies and almost full moon, every time someone would step out of the building onto the steps, they would stop mid-sentence and comment on the moon. So much so that at some point, we all started howling at it. 

After the Lopez show we were blessed to get to hang out with Los Hermanos at one of the member's home. What started out (for me) as an excuse to get in a little more hot tub action (still not feeling too well), turned into an amazing evening of getting to know and connect with some pretty remarkable people. It was 2 am before I even dipped a toe into the hot tub. Again, words cannot describe how absolutely lovely these people are. No. Words. 

We went to their place for breakfast the following morning and I was able to take a few pics. 

Here is the backside of the house designed and built by it's inhabitants. 

Tour dog! She'll fetch all night...literally!

You cannot resist the rope swing...

The trip was wrapped up by a fitting 6 hour wait for the ferry home. It didn't matter because I was tired and in great company. 

Other than performing and traveling the highlight of this tour for me was meeting so many wonderful new people. Seeing how they live, using their outhouses and connecting with them over the food they prepared with love for their guests, most of whom they'd just met.

Being in the band is awesome...there are a lot of perks. Especially being a part of a large, close-knit one. People are so willing to help out the band. But what I love more is being a part of what the band has to offer in return. We bring our best to the table, to entertain you for an evening, to make you dance, to help you experience your life with a little more creativity, energy and joy you may not have had otherwise. 

I was sick all weekend and was forced to forgo experiencing some of the wondrous things the San Juan Islands have to offer in exchange to have the energy to give the audience what they came for, and then some. A lot of the time I felt like a nauseous lump, hardly able to stand for more than 5 minutes, let alone carry all of my gear from one place to the next. But when it came close to time to go on, the energy would come. I can honestly say that I don't know exactly from where. Somewhere beyond me,  because when we were performing no one (not even me) was able to tell that I had been feeling terrible for the entire day before the show. The music gods, the muse, the universe, whatever it was clearly wanted me to be "on"!

I love playing music and I love playing music with Skitnik. But this tour was so much more than that. We all got to know each other better as a band and as people. It was a great way to see how well we actually all work together. And yet again....no words to describe how amazing it is to create with these six incredible people. We have something that I can only best describe as magic and I absolutely cannot be in the presence of Skitnik and not feel like the luckiest girl on the planet! ...Seriously!

The Adventure that was February: music, curling, heartache, love, family, friends, stilt pants, stress and awesome

   That month....February, oh February you took me for quite the ride! The title doesn't even tell it all (but mostly I guess it kinda does).

   First off (I'm about to make myself sound like an idiot) when I changed the calendar at work from January to February, I was totally convinced that February was misspelled...where the hell did that "R" after the "B" come from? Does UPS know they misspelled it on their calendar? (this really happened by the way...I'm not so wet-brained anymore but sometimes I still think like one).

So here is my month summarized mostly in order.

Slight (ongoing) rawness in my heart:
   A relationship of sorts ending and the emotional stuff from that. New levels of awareness about myself and my patterns with men have been jogging around my head. Its good stuff and I appreciate the fact that I can be aware of these behaviors but it does add another layer of emo weirdness to my daily life while these new understandings emerge.

First project for my Action Heart Fashion business:
   My friend has hired me to make him stilting pants! When they're done, they'll kick all kinds of stilting ass!

 Here is one part of the stilt pant legs, mid-project

Hosting a musical Valentine's event:
   I put on an open mic style tribute to heartbreak on Valentine's day at a local venue here called the Honeymoon. It was titled "It's Not Me, It's You". Several people signed up and performed all kinds of songs about heartache. It was great and according to the feedback, a fun time was had by all!

Me and my lovely friend Kerrie at "It's not me, it's you"

Kicking music practice up several notches:
   A friend of mine wanted me to perform a duet with him at the V-Day event so I had to learn a new song. Also my band Skitnik was preparing for two gigs within less than a week of each other while adding three new songs to our set list. This meant added rehearsals and upping my personal practice by several hours per week.

A new tattoo:
   Recent developments in my life caused me to up the ante on my self-love stuff and I decided to make that commitment to myself permanent and pretty!

Not bad for stick and poke

New software learned at work...and I don't even have a desk job:
   I had to shift my hours a bit and come in super early while juggling extra tasks in my regular life. I also have little interest in learning the software so my motivation for it was pretty minimal, which makes it all that much harder to care about....the rest of my life is so much cooler than e-commerce.

Curling (yes, curling!) in Seattle:
   For several years my brother Sterling has hosted an event for his birthday entitled "Curling With Sterling". We bundle up and head out to the Granite Curling Club and curl our brains out for four hours with family and friends. This year we met up before hand at my cousin's house for food and family mingling, so much fun! I love my family and pretty much every opportunity we have to get together, we do. Even if that means driving several hours there and back in one day, we do it! It's what we do for each other and to spend time together.

Ready to sweep!

A day with my Hetero life-mate:
   My dear, amazing friend who I haven't seen in five and a half years was going to be visiting the area for derby business. She wasn't able to come up to Bellingham on her one free day here so I drove to SeaTac, picked her up and we spent the day doing almost nothing. It was awesome! It felt like there hadn't been hardly any space of time since we had last seen each other. One of the many reasons why I love this woman so much...with her, I can just be. Its natural, easy, loving, silly and relaxing. We had nothing really on the agenda and the lovely Pacific Northwest weather was doing just that..raining. So we just were. One thing we did need to do was find a photo booth, it's one of the things we do when we get together. In search of one we found something better...The Medal Master! This bad boy etches your picture onto a little charm! We made three of them, one for each of us and one for my mom.

Love this woman!

Skitnik's biggest show yet:
   We got to open for March Fourth Marching Band at the Wild Buffalo! (technically this happened on March 1st but it wrapped up this month just perfectly so I'm adding it in).  If you haven't seen or heard of M4, check them out, they're awesome!! The whole band was super excited and honored to get to open for such an amazing act! They're a high energy, fabulously costumed dance band with stilt-walking and dancing performers. They tour constantly and have been going strong for ten years! Oh and did I mention they eye candy?! There's a little something for everyone to gaze at in that band! And we got to open for them in front of a sold out crowd! How awesome is that? I got to cross something off of my "bucket list" that I didn't know was on there...it's amazing how wonderful life can be! The greatest part about it for me was the fact that I get be a part of such awesomeness and magic with six other amazing people collectively doing something that we love, working hard together to keep it going strong and to keep it something that we all enjoy, love and care about. Have I mentioned how much I love Skitnik?

Having fun and making people dance!

Took some down time:
   I don't do this often. In fact I'm pretty horrible at it. I quite often only get downtime after I have run myself so hard for so long that my body no longer gives me the choice. But this month, especially in the last week, I allowed myself to not do shit. And by that I mean sitting and watching a movie in the evening. Which I did on more than one occasion this month. That alone is almost completely unheard of for me. Tonight, I plan on doing it again (can you say Harry Potter marathon?). Today, my intention was to get an espresso to go at the Black Drop Coffeehouse but I ended up taking a seat in the sun and just sitting. I did take a couple pictures (I can't help myself), otherwise I just sat and stared and watched other people enjoy the sun, just sitting. Crazy!

Sitting. Just. Sitting.

Life is good. There is a lot going on and it's all pretty much an awesome adventure in experience and learning how to do all the stuff I love without losing my mind or making myself sick.

Stay tuned for my next adventure...what will it be?


Adventure tip:

In the magical land of Seattle there is a place called Miner's Landing. Whilst my Hetero Life-Mate and I were searching high and low for a photo booth to cram ourselves into that was open before 4pm we were directed to the arcade where, you guessed it, they have a photo booth. Two of them actually. However...they have something even better than a photo booth that we believe we were divinely lead to and that was the Medal Master!  If you're ever near Pike Place Market wander on down to Pier 57 and get your face etched onto a little charm!

A Path of Less Heartache: Adventures in Self Love

   Eight years ago I was a different person. I was still Carrie but I only allowed myself to be a shell of who I actually am. Eight years ago I was constantly drunk, constantly afraid and hated myself. I did not go on many adventures, unless you count the fuzzy, vomit-lined, stumbling drunk adventures many parts of which escape my memory.

Here's me passed out on the street in my hometown. My boyfriend was so kind as to take my picture. Not as a reminder for me but because he was mad at me...apparently I wasn't being very nice that evening. The dog is tied up to me so I wouldn't be left alone while he went to try to call a cab. Yes, that is vomit. This is just screaming self love...right...right?

   Eight years ago I met an amazing guy (the guy who took that pic). He was cute, awkward, goofy, dirty, thoughtful, smart and fun. We hit it off immediately and spent a lot of time together. He told me about how he lived his life, how he dealt with his emotions, what pushed his buttons, what he did when he got hurt. I heard all of this, took it into account. 

   With what I knew about myself and what he told me about himself I knew that "he would destroy me" (those were my exact thoughts). What did I do? Well I really liked him, he was so wonderful and I hated myself so I opted for the path of destruction. This choice lead to two intense years of abuse, heartache and self destruction for both of us. 

   Six years ago this relationship is what threw me, head first, onto my path to sobriety, self-love and recovery. It literally took about two years to get over the heartache from said relationship. My songwriting skills, amazing friends and a lot of support helped me work through a lot of it. 

  Six years ago it all started with tiny acts of self-love. I mean seriously small acts such as basic hygiene, eating food, getting to work on time and allowing myself to be human. These are huge acts for the self-hating. The more I did these tasks of self love, the more of them I was able to do. Then eventually larger, more difficult acts of self love like keeping up with my yoga practice, connecting with loved ones and allowing myself time to rest even when there is a ton of work to be done.

   The ability to do kind things for myself has aided significantly in boosting my self esteem which in turn has helped to improve my ability to set (and maintain) healthy boundaries for myself...and my heart.

   This week I was able to do just that in the spur of the moment and while tired. I was having a conversation with the totally amazing guy I've been (kind of) seeing about how our situation was working for us. He told me about how he lives his life, how he handles his emotions, what pushes his buttons and what his needs are. I heard what he said and took them into account. (In his defense, this guy is of much higher caliber than the guy from eight years ago.) In recognizing and honoring the facts about myself, how I handle my emotions and what my needs are, I was able to see that continuing a relationship with him beyond friendship would cause me unnecessary heartache. And a lot of it.

   What did I do? Right then and there I was able to speak up for myself and say that it wouldn't work for me and that I would need to back off a few notches. I have boundaries for my heart and my life that I stuck to despite the fact that I really like this guy. I also didn't have to be a total bitch about it. It was actually quite a mature situation. (Where did this woman come from?!)

   Am I bummed about this possible relationship not working out? You bet! But the amount of heartache I experience now, I know will pale in comparison to the pain I would've gone through if I tried to hold on to the relationship longer.

   I am pretty amazed at how drastically different I handled these two very similar situations. I have come so far in eight years. In fact, even a year ago I would have held on to this relationship a little longer. But not this time. This time I decided not to fuck around with my heart and my head.

Giving myself the awesome self-love thumbs up!! (jeez my hand looks huge here!)

   The beauty of this is that it makes me much more capable of effectively continuing to spread the love that I have in my heart for everyone I come into contact with, including this guy. How awesome is that?

   Self love my friends, self love! The least selfish thing anyone can do is take good care of themselves.
 
 Until we meet again friends!



Adventure Tip:
Everyday before I do much of anything else, I read from a couple of daily meditation books. Some people may find this practice silly or ineffective but it works for me. One of these is Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go. Meant for co-dependents but I find that many of the readings could be valuable to just about anyone. The other is Courage to Change which is a book from Al-Anon (for friends and family of alcoholics and addicts and for co-dependents). Again this one could be beneficial for many. The other thing I do is get daily emails from The Daily Love. I know I've mentioned this site on here before but it's certainly worth mentioning again. I get so much out of this daily email. I love how Mastin shares his message. It works for me. I encourage you to find a daily practice that works for you. One that supports self-love. Even if it seems tiny or insignificant...DO IT! Do it everyday. I promise, you will not regret it!

Trash the old script and make your own rules..Maybe your biggest adventure yet!

Today is the day and this is the moment. There is no other moment, not right now anyway.

What if from here on out you could replace all that bullshit in your head with whatever you wanted?
--What new script would you write for yourself?

What if at this exact moment you could truly own yourself, your whole self, your entire being?
--Not the media, your family or friends, not your boss, not your god?

What if right this very second there were no prior rules already set to apply to your life?
--What would you do different?

What if while sitting here reading this you realized that you never had to apologize for being authentically you ever again?
--What dreams would you live out?

What if the only thing you ever had to do ever again was bring all the love and light that is uniquely you to whatever it is that you're doing at this moment, nothing more and nothing less?
--Could you relax? Could you let go?

What if you could look yourself in the mirror right now seeing every exposed nook and cranny, every hair, mole, muscle, stretch mark, skin flap, patch of cellulite, wrinkle, your gut, muffin top or six pack, every little uneven bit of beautiful human imperfection and love every inch and pound of it, I mean really love it?
--Would you stop comparing yourself to others?

What if you could look yourself in the eye and proclaim your devoted and undying love for yourself not matter what?
--Who would you become?

What if you knew that you had what it takes to make all of your dreams come true already inside of you?
--What would you search for now?

What if you knew that nothing could stop you from achieving your goals, not even yourself?
*What would you do?
*How would you feel?
*Where would you go?
*Who would you love?

What does freedom feel like?
Does freedom scare you?
Do these questions make you want to run and hide, switch back to your social network, the tv, that cookie, the clothes rack, the drink, your homework, your job?
Do they invoke a stirring in your guts? Somewhere deep within? Deeper than your physical self?

What if you could not only be loved but be love?

What would the world look like then?

There is no instruction manual for the living.
Past experience does not ever dictate how this current moment will go.

This is it.
This moment.
No rules.
No apologies.
Bring it!

Thanks for reading!

Do you have a friend that could benefit from my "words of wisdom"? Share this with them! You never know how one tiny thought or action could completely change someone's life.


Adventure Tip:
Living a life of freedom is rewarding but can also be difficult and tiring. I suggest an awesome soundtrack. I call mine the "Going Pro Soundtrack". It's full of songs that stir my guts, that make me cry tears of self-slavery ending joy, that make me want to take action, that make me want to bust my ego, that make me want to spread the love. It's full of songs that are impossible for me to hear and not follow my heart. Sometimes I listen to all the songs but more often one strikes me on a certain day and I listen to it all day. Today that song is Fall by M83 Vs. Big Black Delta (wait for it...2:30). Today, all day, while writing this blog and at this very moment, listening to this song, I know that I create my own fucking destiny!  What's on your gut stirring play list? Share with us!

adventures in loneliness and considering new friends

     This week I am missing people. No one specifically (no offense), just people in general. I like people. I like interacting with them. I like the adventure of meeting them, getting to know them, connecting, laughing with them, seeing what makes them tick and really just being around people.
 
   I am around other people everyday. But most days, not that many. Some days, other than the people at the checkout stand, it's only one or two other people that I get to connect with.

   Just over a year ago I moved into my very own place, without roommates, for the first time in my life ever. Okay, my son is my roommate but it is really a different situation with children. Plus he's only been here for the last five months. I'm talking adults. Or at least people my age-ish.

   My entire life I have lived with other people and I had wanted to live alone for a long time. I had this fantasy about it. About doing whatever I wanted, in my own time, in my own house, naked, baking and blasting dance music at 3am...or whatever.

   But the fantasy was not about living alone as much as it was about not having anyone else to answer to. I have been somewhat (that's an understatement) of a co-dependent for most of my life. And when you're a co-dependent everything you do is dictated by your perceived ideas of what other people think you should or shouldn't be doing. It is a cage, a self-imposed, ego-driven confinement, fueled by low self-esteem. So the idea of living alone meant I didn't have to worry about what anyone else thought of my music, food, decorating, pajamas or anything else...I would be free!

   Turns out it's not really like that. I mean, I guess in a way it is but it's not the freedom that I had anticipated. It certainly has its benefits. But the truth is, I really miss having people around. I miss smelling other people cooking, even if I don't get to eat it. I miss there being someone home when I get off work that I can sit and b.s. with for half an hour. I miss the noise in the house when I'm trying to sleep (because it actually helps me fall asleep). I miss the random ridiculousness and the true heart of people that you don't get to experience unless you live with them.

   I'm coming to the understanding that I value roommates and all that goes with them more than I value the freedom to walk around naked (which some roommates do anyway).

   Maybe I just need to make more friends and have them come over. I've never really been awesome at making friends. Don't get me wrong...I am a great friend and I have some amazing people in my life that I am very close with. But most of them live far away or have families with busy lives.

  When this woman in my yoga class, who was new in town, started talking to me consistently, I wondered why she was talking to me? She didn't know me or my friends. I didn't understand.  "Oh this is what people do...this is how they make friends. They meet people while doing things that they like and make friends with them....weird."

   Maybe I make friends in an awkward/backwards sort of way. I've always just been the type to meet friends of friends. I'm with my friends enough, I meet some of theirs and vice versa then boom, I have new friends. Same thing with guys. I've never really been one to date. "Lets meet at said location at such and such time, eat food and talk." What?! Can't we all just hang out? Single me out in a room and I tend to be kind of awkward (I am getting better at this one though)!

   It also seems that most times I really start to get pretty close and connect with someone, they go away for whatever reason. Always on good terms but that's just the way life is sometimes. Everyone has their own adventures and paths to follow. This does not stop me from trying though. My life is always enriched by these passing spirit connections.

  So what's next for me? If all goes well, I will be moving back into a roommate situation at the end of the summer. In the mean time I need to meet new people, make some connections and get out of the house more, which is hard to do as a single mom. Perhaps nourish some of the relationships I already have a little more. This loneliness thing is really starting to get to me.

   I used to think that I didn't need people and that I was much better off without them. People can disappoint and cause pain. Although these things are true, not having people in my life is much worse. It robs me of the adventure of absolute joy, love, support and companionship I get when I open myself to others. And as long as I don't watch any reality television, I generally think that all people are totally awesome!
  
Until we meet again!

Thanks for reading :) and feel free to comment. Can you relate to this? Tell us why!

Adventures in possible success and depression

   These last few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster type adventure for me. School is finally over and I'm not going back, then I was preparing for the holidays while getting back into my old work routine, starting to maybe be officially "seeing" someone, continued working on my video interview project and starting off in a different direction for my career path with a project (hopefully) appropriately titled "the Job Escape Kit". Just typing all of this and rereading it makes me feel a little overwhelmed. That is a lot.

   This is all wonderful, awesome, exciting stuff (except the old work routine) and you know what? I don't want to do any of it! Not a damn thing. It's all too much, it's overwhelming, its scary and most of it is unknown territory for me. The thing is, I don't want to hide out in my pajamas either. I just don't seem to have the mental and emotional capacity for amazing life stuff right now.

    I don't know if it's the lack of Vitamin D we experience here in the Pacific Northwest, a post-holiday let down, the unsettling fear of unknown-ness in my life or a combination of all of the above. One could call this depression I don't have a problem with admitting to myself that I may be a little depressed right now. I'm not going to get a drug prescription and I have no desire to off myself. I'm just not my normal, optimistic self right now.  I haven't stopped my life just because I'm depressed. I just don't want to do any of it!!

   Okay, that's not true. I actually want to do ALL of it...every single bit of the amazing and adventurous unknown-ness but I'm a bit paralyzed with fear and lack of will. Did I just contradict myself? Probably, because that's certainly how I've been feeling...contradictory and very unlike me.

   I am tired, down, unenthusiastic, unmotivated, overwhelmed, scared. I want to do anything other than deal with, walk through and feel what I am going through right now. I want to shop, eat, fuck, drink, lose hours in social networks, what else? Anything! Anything but what I am going through.

   Now normally I feel this way when I'm going through something difficult and unknown but I still have a strong desire to keep on keepin' on. Right now I don't have that and that I attribute to the depression. But the real cause of this all, the biggie, is fear.

   I. Am. Scared.

   I am scared of success. Success in my life, career, love, health. Don't get me wrong, even though I fear success in these areas, I still work very hard to achieve my goals. The days of severe self-sabotage are over. I still get in my own way but usually stop long before any major drama.

   The thing is, I know how to do failure. I excel in what to do when I fail, I get back up...duh. But what do I do if I don't fall? What do I do if I get to stand tall? If I get the love I want? If I get to live the life I've dreamed of, that my spirit screams for, for so long? What do I do?

   In all honesty I can say, that at this point, I'm not really sure why this is so scary right now. Why pursuing a different path for a new career is so scary. School wasn't nearly this scary and I hated it! Or why pursuing a new possible romantic relationship is so difficult (I've done it before and survived), but it is. Maybe it's the way these paths have transpired this time. Different than they ever have before and different than I ever would have anticipated or even thought possible....seriously. Maybe it's the depression. Maybe it's all of the above. The point is, I don't really know but I don't need to know. What is important is that I honor the fact that I am scared and that I honor that this is different. When I honor what I am going though, it makes it easier to get through. When I let myself just be where I am at, instead of fighting it, it tends to just flow. I don't have to create a dam.

  Its amazing how difficult we can make things for ourselves. Discovering how we do this and then not doing it, is certainly an adventure. And this one has made me quite tired...or maybe that's the depression talking. Either way, I still don't have the choice to quit.

    I can easier live with myself if I fail but not if I quit.

 
   Over and out until next time my adventure friends.
   Thanks for reading!


Adventure Tip:
Sleep! Sleep! Sleep! We need it, especially in the winter. It's amazing what a few more hours than I normally need will do when I feel down. I wake up feeling like me again. So sleep my friends! If you don't know what sleep is or how beneficial it is to your health and well-being, google search it. Then take a nap!

Adventures in...apparently food porn

   Whew! I am exhausted. It's been a crazy, awesome, tiring, adventure and love filled few weeks. I kind of wish I would have written a better blog last week so I could half-ass this week's blog. But I cannot. So here I am, finally recovered from holiday awesomeness exhaustion and a bout with winter and life circumstance induced depression.

   I wanted this edition to be about holiday family awesomeness but it's not going to be...not too much anyway. I love my family and every time we get together, it's a lovely thing. It was announced that we have a new little one on his or her way to our growing extended family in June and we got to Skype with our missing family parts in Boston. There is always lots of love, laughter and genuine connection going on. A little more about that in the next blog, but first, a little food porn from our holiday feast...

   We'll start with my step-mom's most amazing rolls! Seriously these things are little, light, buttery chunks of heaven! It's not a difficult task to down 5 or 6 of them without thinking about it!

My goofy, younger brother mixing dough for the awesome, Austrian cookies he made, pictured below. (I know he's not food porn but still pretty good looking, aye ladies?!)

       Yes, they were as good as they look and no, they're not Paleo. That's ok, I get to indulge :)

And finally a slice of my almost Paleo pumpkin pie (I added milk) and homemade whipped cream sweetened with maple syrup.

     I just made an executive decision to stop this blog here and start another one about my winter depression. So I hope you enjoy the food porn, it's certainly fun taking the pictures. I try not to obsess about the photos to much. It doesn't hurt that I have a special app on my phone that makes it super easy to do!

Until we meet again friends...I'll be back soon!

Thanks for reading!

adventures in life and skipping the blog for a week (kind of)

   This week's adventure isn't going to be much. I'm skipping the blog and attending to my holiday duties. I suppose by writing a blog about how I'm not writing a blog this week is in fact, writing a blog. The point is that not too much thought or energy is going into this one. At this point the blog is just for fun and generating little attention so I'm all right with doing this. I write this blog because I like to. I am at least writing this little bit because I am committed to writing something to put out into the world at least once a week. So here it is.

   As far as the holiday is concerned, I have family coming in from out of town and it should be a lovely time. But there is much preparation to be done and certain self-imposed, creative deadlines that I must meet. I think that I have allowed myself enough time to finish my tasks without losing my mind...we'll see.

   This week I had my last day of school, continued work on my project, got to hear one of my songs and then see my name on the big screen, helped my friends begin decorating their 7 plus foot tall holiday tree that has roughly 1700 lights and over 10 U-Haul sized moving boxes worth of ornaments that go onto it. I also got to perform at a craft fair and at a local cafe with one of my band mates, both of which payed off more per hour than my day job (gotta love that!), caught up with a friend over coffee. Annnd really this list could go on and on and not include the day to day regular boring life stuff so I'll stop here. The point is, my life is full! It's busy and fulfilling and for the most part, I'm pretty happy with it (except for that pesky day job).

   Pretty much I'm tired and rambling to fill up space. So I'm going to wrap it up. I promise I will be back next week with photos and delicious and adventurous stories to tell! Keeping up a blog is a lot of work and I only do this once a week! What happens when it takes off and I have to do this every day?!! For far less hours and far more pay?!! Believe it and achieve it my friends! The adventure awaits...just watch me!

   Over and out until next week


 Adventure Tip:
If you're a musician in Bellingham, WA and you like good food, head on down to The Old Town Cafe They will give you a meal on the house if you perform for an hour, plus you can accept tips. Not too shabby. The atmosphere is homey, bright and showcases local art, the food is locally sourced as much as possible and if you're a vegetarian, the menu is pretty amazing! Rarely has my cup gone without hot coffee, even on the busiest of mornings. It's a great place for any adventure to begin! 

Adventures in Fear and Confronting Yourself

   It's been an interesting week involving the emotional adventures in Carrie's head. (There will likely be some swearing in this episode). It started out hanging out with a guy friend of mine, a performance in Seattle with my band, continued with work on my current project, the second to last week of school and the onset of a bacterial infection. I got increasingly more tired throughout the week and by Thursday I was forced to spend about 36 consecutive hours, horizontally.

   Fighting an infection causes my brain to not fire logically at my normal capacity thus bringing my ability to handle my emotions with said logic down to about 20 percent. Do you see where I'm going with this? I've spent some time this week crying, talking with those closest to me and facing some of my demons. Thankfully I'm not pms-ing because who knows what sort of unruly bitch-beast would have been released!

    With my fluctuating hormones on my side this week I got to explore into the realm of "liking" someone. YES, I said it...I LIKE SOMEBODY! That's right I, Carrie, like A BOY. An intelligent, awkward, sexy, dirty, independent social butterfly who is a mad cook with a generous heart. Sounds terrible right? You said it! Gods forbid I enjoy a man's company enough to want to enjoy it a little bit more. I seriously have a problem with this, a big one. I don't want to like a boy. I hate liking boys. The last time I let myself get really excited about a boy he ended up beating the crap out of me on a regular basis for two years. So naturally, I'm a little hesitant.

    Don't worry, this post isn't about that sort of thing. Plus, I love myself today and I would never let anyone treat me like that ever again. That all being said, I'm still a scared little girl when it comes to liking someone. I will not allow myself to get excited about it. And that, my friends, is the most torturous part about the whole thing. I want to be excited (at least a little) but the mere thought of it literally terrifies me. I mentioned crying earlier...ya. This shit brings me to tears.

   My insides are all torn up about this. I want to dream about the adventures we could have together, what it would be like to travel with him, playing music, practicing yoga in remote and beautiful locations, cooking together and creating bizarre and delicious ferments, bike tours, hikes, shooting, meeting strangers, the list goes on and on. But I stop myself dead in my tracks. I stop before we've even held hands. I can't bring myself to do it. This may sound extreme but it feels like I will fucking die if I let myself dream.

    *sigh* I don't even want to get to the point where I even begin to like someone because that is where I start to die. So I try to fool myself into believing that I'm not really feeling what I'm feeling. This is where my lack of ability for logical thinking this week, came in handy because I could no longer reason myself out of my emotions. *Bing* Break-through time!

   Finally I allowed myself be okay with the fact that I like this dude. And now that I've had some time to work through my fears and calm down a bit, I want to profess my like for him right. this. minute. This is a big deal for me and I feel a sense of urgency. I need to know NOW if he likes me the same or I'm left not knowing if it is safe to continue liking him. So of course, as some sort of cosmic joke, certain circumstances have lead to there being no way of contacting him for several days unless I run into him somewhere. This leaves me sitting on my hands...waiting. Effing waiting! I can't wait for this!  Limbo. Freaking limbo! (I'm trying to keep it clean see).

   So what happens next? I get to be. I get to be still. It's actually a really good thing that I haven't been able to contact him this week or I likely would have done and/or said something really stupid. This way I get to really understand and own how I feel and not put it onto him. I get to see how all of these fears have nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. So when I do get to see him again, I can be confident and at peace with my own shit. I can continue the relationship, however it unfolds, with love and kindness instead of fear and expectations. (big ol' sigh of relief here!)

   The emotional roller coaster is exhausting! I'm glad that I don't ride it that often. Although it is a rough ride, it always results in some kind of personal break through and that is an awesome adventure, especially when it's finally through!

   I get back to the place of peace and personal acceptance with a new understanding of what makes me, me. And I love me!

   Over and out until next week friends!

   Please feel free to comment below on your own experience, how crazy you think I am or any other adventures you want to share!



Adventure Tip:
This week I encourage you to reach out to someone close if you are having a rough go about things. It is absolutely the most important thing for me to have several people that I can talk to about what I am going through. My friends are able to see my fears from an outside and unaffected perspective. They can see things that I can't or wont. They point them out to me lovingly and sometimes with a bop on the forehead...whatever makes me get it! (my friend actually did this to me this week). Without their loving support I can honestly say that I have no idea where I would be. They remind me that I am not alone in this world inside and outside of my head! So adventure beyond your fears and express them to a safe loved one.

Birthday Adventure Awesomeness: sushi and live music

   Welp it's that time of year again...the time for my birthday adventures! This year I kicked off my day of birth with a phone call to both of my parents at 6:45 am, thanking them for my life. Then I made my video commitment for the next phase of Project: Action Heart!

    I typically start celebrating my birthday at the beginning of the month by treating myself to one small indulgence after another and by the end of the month I go out big with a table full of friends and obscene amounts of raw fish! This year was no different however, I decided to go less formal and go conveyor belt. There is a quality sacrifice that goes with the convenience of the belt but it was totally worth it!

    It is a dangerous thing to be sitting within inches of a constant rolling, flow of delicious and interesting looking food throughout your entire dining experience. I was a little overwhelmed at first but got the hang of it pretty quickly. Shoveling food into my mouth, while maintaining one eye on the belt for the next plate that couldn't be passed up, I consequently ate myself into a sushi-induced food coma.

                                   How could I not when the food looks like this?

   The best part of my birthday dinner is the amazing people that show up. I invite who I would like to eat with but never know exactly who will come until dinner time. It is always an absolute honor to dine with whomever shows up and I am always touched that these people would come celebrate my birthday with me!

This year's crowd! I love each and everyone of them! (my son is making that face again) I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life!

   I anticipated possible house guests so I made goodies only to not have anyone remain long enough to get them to eat them. Alas, the treats were left in my possession and I lived off them on all day Saturday. Riding the sugar wave is not the norm for me but....they were oh, so delicious! (Here comes the food porn!)

                                        Paleo pumpkin cheesecake anyone?

   How about some chocolate coffee caramel bars? (My Saturday's demise!)

   For my birthday weekend not only did I get to perform twice but I also managed to get in a trip to Seattle! Saturday night at the dive bar was probably my worst solo set in a while but still had a blast doing it and got to catch up a bit with some old friends.

                                                      Singing my heart out!

   Sunday night I got to play with my band Skitnik! Did I mention how much I love Skitnik? Cos I do!! It was a private party, in a lovely intimate setting where we were well received. And by well received I mean they danced and then they danced some more!!

                      We have so much fun with our ever evolving stage antics!

                                 

                                                    Heart!! (yes two Skitnik pics)

    A word about how grateful I am to be alive and to live my life today. There were several years of my life that I did not feel this way (I've been through quite a bit). I literally dreaded the very thought of waking in the morning. But that is no longer the case! I can honestly say that everyday (even when life sucks) I am so happy to be ALIVE, to get to experience all that the universe and the beings in it have to offer. I love that I have a path of love that I get to walk today and that I get to spread that around to those who are able to receive it! Life is an adventure my friends, take it on and own it!

Adventure Tip: Want to experience belt sushi in Bellingham? Head on down to KuruKuru Sushi. We had a large group that they were certainly willing to accommodate. I have no other conveyor belt sushi experience to compare this place to but I think just the fun of the the food rolling by is enough adventure in itself to check it out!