Adventures in measuring my standards with my own ruler

   The other day someone told me that I was too hard on myself. In fact he reiterated this point. I seriously had no idea that he ever even noticed this about me. I know this about myself but something about the fact that he noticed this and felt the need to make sure that I understood this brought about some new awareness. How hard am I on myself? Really? I think this is something that goes so deep that it will take me a while to really understand all the levels in which I am too hard on myself. Possibly for the rest of my life.

   Somewhere along the line I got the idea that I don't work hard enough, that I'm not passionate enough or that I'm doing something wrong because I'm not living the life that I've dreamed about for so long. I also believe sometimes that I'm not good enough (for whatever...you name it) or that I screwed it up. I don't know where this idea came from but the fact that I entertain the idea that I'm not enough, that I need to be more, do more, figure it out and continue to nourish this idea, is my responsibility. I am why this idea still exists in my life.

Or maybe it's the gnomes telling me I'm not enough..

   It just occurred to me that I've been measuring my personal standard and give-all ability against other people and their standard of give-all ability. It also just occurred to me that I could ask myself, "What is my standard of give-all ability? At what level can I give my all and not lose my mind or my health?" I'm not sure what the answer is yet but I know that if I compare it to those standards of anyone else, I am using an inaccurate ruler for which to measure myself with. This goes for anything with life really, but today I am addressing an area in my life that has yet to be exposed.

   I've been struggling with depression and exhaustion lately. This has been really hard for me because I don't feel like myself. I'm a pretty energetic, go-get-it kind of person. Always on the go, in the middle of several projects. But lately I've felt completely overwhelmed by even the smallest tasks, even the things I love to do the most and I cannot bring myself to do them. I have no physical, mental or emotional energy for any of them. I am currently operating at bare bones. Ask anyone who knows me, this is highly unusual.
 
   Normally I would see this as a weakness, or a major setback causing me to fall months behind on anything and everything...my life is crumbling away and there is nothing I can do! Causing me to feel sad and defeated.

   Something different is happening this time. I don't seem to mind too much that I don't have the energy right now. I am welcoming this opportunity to rearrange my life. Because I am operating at bare bones, I only have energy for that which is most important, everything else has to wait and there's not a damn thing wrong with that. In fact I wish I could just stop everything in my life for a week or two and reassess everything...all of it. Take what I want and leave the rest but it doesn't quite work that way. I can do that if I clean out a room in the house but I cant do that with my mind.

Down time. Period.

   With my mind it's more of a process. You see, I am also plagued with thinking too much, feelings of obligation and apparently measuring my abilities against the abilities of others. But then again, maybe I want to use the excuse of excessive thought and all my obligations as an excuse for lack of action. (Am I being too hard on myself again?)

   It seems that it really is just that simple...find that which is serving my greater purpose and nourish it, the rest of it doesn't need my energy, mental, physical, emotional or otherwise.

   I don't know much right now except that I'm in great need of down time and personal reassessment. What I do know is that the amount of energy that I put into my goals can only be the amount of energy that I can put into them and not that of anyone else. If someone one else can achieve those same goals in less time or even more time for that matter, good for them. I live my life the way that I choose and if I continue to believe that I need to be keeping up with or slowing down to anyone else's pace, I wouldn't be true to myself and my personal needs. I wouldn't be honoring me.

   Right now I feel as though I am in a cocoon, brewing, reassessing, resting, changing. (Actually I think I'm still in the process of building the cocoon). The caterpillar doesn't know why it's in the cocoon, only that this is what it needs to do. It literally has no other choice. It will only emerge when the time is right. And when it does, it is beautiful. It actually sprouted wings. It has different capabilities and different needs, yet its caterpillar past is still very much a huge part of what it is. It's past life and the down time in the cocoon is what made it the butterfly that it is today.

   A pretty cliche metaphor I know, but I don't care, it's completely accurate for me and that's what matters. Whatever becomes of all this will be beautiful. I will grow my wings and I will fly. That I can guarantee! In the mean time I will be doing a lot less.

The Adventure that was February: music, curling, heartache, love, family, friends, stilt pants, stress and awesome

   That month....February, oh February you took me for quite the ride! The title doesn't even tell it all (but mostly I guess it kinda does).

   First off (I'm about to make myself sound like an idiot) when I changed the calendar at work from January to February, I was totally convinced that February was misspelled...where the hell did that "R" after the "B" come from? Does UPS know they misspelled it on their calendar? (this really happened by the way...I'm not so wet-brained anymore but sometimes I still think like one).

So here is my month summarized mostly in order.

Slight (ongoing) rawness in my heart:
   A relationship of sorts ending and the emotional stuff from that. New levels of awareness about myself and my patterns with men have been jogging around my head. Its good stuff and I appreciate the fact that I can be aware of these behaviors but it does add another layer of emo weirdness to my daily life while these new understandings emerge.

First project for my Action Heart Fashion business:
   My friend has hired me to make him stilting pants! When they're done, they'll kick all kinds of stilting ass!

 Here is one part of the stilt pant legs, mid-project

Hosting a musical Valentine's event:
   I put on an open mic style tribute to heartbreak on Valentine's day at a local venue here called the Honeymoon. It was titled "It's Not Me, It's You". Several people signed up and performed all kinds of songs about heartache. It was great and according to the feedback, a fun time was had by all!

Me and my lovely friend Kerrie at "It's not me, it's you"

Kicking music practice up several notches:
   A friend of mine wanted me to perform a duet with him at the V-Day event so I had to learn a new song. Also my band Skitnik was preparing for two gigs within less than a week of each other while adding three new songs to our set list. This meant added rehearsals and upping my personal practice by several hours per week.

A new tattoo:
   Recent developments in my life caused me to up the ante on my self-love stuff and I decided to make that commitment to myself permanent and pretty!

Not bad for stick and poke

New software learned at work...and I don't even have a desk job:
   I had to shift my hours a bit and come in super early while juggling extra tasks in my regular life. I also have little interest in learning the software so my motivation for it was pretty minimal, which makes it all that much harder to care about....the rest of my life is so much cooler than e-commerce.

Curling (yes, curling!) in Seattle:
   For several years my brother Sterling has hosted an event for his birthday entitled "Curling With Sterling". We bundle up and head out to the Granite Curling Club and curl our brains out for four hours with family and friends. This year we met up before hand at my cousin's house for food and family mingling, so much fun! I love my family and pretty much every opportunity we have to get together, we do. Even if that means driving several hours there and back in one day, we do it! It's what we do for each other and to spend time together.

Ready to sweep!

A day with my Hetero life-mate:
   My dear, amazing friend who I haven't seen in five and a half years was going to be visiting the area for derby business. She wasn't able to come up to Bellingham on her one free day here so I drove to SeaTac, picked her up and we spent the day doing almost nothing. It was awesome! It felt like there hadn't been hardly any space of time since we had last seen each other. One of the many reasons why I love this woman so much...with her, I can just be. Its natural, easy, loving, silly and relaxing. We had nothing really on the agenda and the lovely Pacific Northwest weather was doing just that..raining. So we just were. One thing we did need to do was find a photo booth, it's one of the things we do when we get together. In search of one we found something better...The Medal Master! This bad boy etches your picture onto a little charm! We made three of them, one for each of us and one for my mom.

Love this woman!

Skitnik's biggest show yet:
   We got to open for March Fourth Marching Band at the Wild Buffalo! (technically this happened on March 1st but it wrapped up this month just perfectly so I'm adding it in).  If you haven't seen or heard of M4, check them out, they're awesome!! The whole band was super excited and honored to get to open for such an amazing act! They're a high energy, fabulously costumed dance band with stilt-walking and dancing performers. They tour constantly and have been going strong for ten years! Oh and did I mention they eye candy?! There's a little something for everyone to gaze at in that band! And we got to open for them in front of a sold out crowd! How awesome is that? I got to cross something off of my "bucket list" that I didn't know was on there...it's amazing how wonderful life can be! The greatest part about it for me was the fact that I get be a part of such awesomeness and magic with six other amazing people collectively doing something that we love, working hard together to keep it going strong and to keep it something that we all enjoy, love and care about. Have I mentioned how much I love Skitnik?

Having fun and making people dance!

Took some down time:
   I don't do this often. In fact I'm pretty horrible at it. I quite often only get downtime after I have run myself so hard for so long that my body no longer gives me the choice. But this month, especially in the last week, I allowed myself to not do shit. And by that I mean sitting and watching a movie in the evening. Which I did on more than one occasion this month. That alone is almost completely unheard of for me. Tonight, I plan on doing it again (can you say Harry Potter marathon?). Today, my intention was to get an espresso to go at the Black Drop Coffeehouse but I ended up taking a seat in the sun and just sitting. I did take a couple pictures (I can't help myself), otherwise I just sat and stared and watched other people enjoy the sun, just sitting. Crazy!

Sitting. Just. Sitting.

Life is good. There is a lot going on and it's all pretty much an awesome adventure in experience and learning how to do all the stuff I love without losing my mind or making myself sick.

Stay tuned for my next adventure...what will it be?


Adventure tip:

In the magical land of Seattle there is a place called Miner's Landing. Whilst my Hetero Life-Mate and I were searching high and low for a photo booth to cram ourselves into that was open before 4pm we were directed to the arcade where, you guessed it, they have a photo booth. Two of them actually. However...they have something even better than a photo booth that we believe we were divinely lead to and that was the Medal Master!  If you're ever near Pike Place Market wander on down to Pier 57 and get your face etched onto a little charm!

A Path of Less Heartache: Adventures in Self Love

   Eight years ago I was a different person. I was still Carrie but I only allowed myself to be a shell of who I actually am. Eight years ago I was constantly drunk, constantly afraid and hated myself. I did not go on many adventures, unless you count the fuzzy, vomit-lined, stumbling drunk adventures many parts of which escape my memory.

Here's me passed out on the street in my hometown. My boyfriend was so kind as to take my picture. Not as a reminder for me but because he was mad at me...apparently I wasn't being very nice that evening. The dog is tied up to me so I wouldn't be left alone while he went to try to call a cab. Yes, that is vomit. This is just screaming self love...right...right?

   Eight years ago I met an amazing guy (the guy who took that pic). He was cute, awkward, goofy, dirty, thoughtful, smart and fun. We hit it off immediately and spent a lot of time together. He told me about how he lived his life, how he dealt with his emotions, what pushed his buttons, what he did when he got hurt. I heard all of this, took it into account. 

   With what I knew about myself and what he told me about himself I knew that "he would destroy me" (those were my exact thoughts). What did I do? Well I really liked him, he was so wonderful and I hated myself so I opted for the path of destruction. This choice lead to two intense years of abuse, heartache and self destruction for both of us. 

   Six years ago this relationship is what threw me, head first, onto my path to sobriety, self-love and recovery. It literally took about two years to get over the heartache from said relationship. My songwriting skills, amazing friends and a lot of support helped me work through a lot of it. 

  Six years ago it all started with tiny acts of self-love. I mean seriously small acts such as basic hygiene, eating food, getting to work on time and allowing myself to be human. These are huge acts for the self-hating. The more I did these tasks of self love, the more of them I was able to do. Then eventually larger, more difficult acts of self love like keeping up with my yoga practice, connecting with loved ones and allowing myself time to rest even when there is a ton of work to be done.

   The ability to do kind things for myself has aided significantly in boosting my self esteem which in turn has helped to improve my ability to set (and maintain) healthy boundaries for myself...and my heart.

   This week I was able to do just that in the spur of the moment and while tired. I was having a conversation with the totally amazing guy I've been (kind of) seeing about how our situation was working for us. He told me about how he lives his life, how he handles his emotions, what pushes his buttons and what his needs are. I heard what he said and took them into account. (In his defense, this guy is of much higher caliber than the guy from eight years ago.) In recognizing and honoring the facts about myself, how I handle my emotions and what my needs are, I was able to see that continuing a relationship with him beyond friendship would cause me unnecessary heartache. And a lot of it.

   What did I do? Right then and there I was able to speak up for myself and say that it wouldn't work for me and that I would need to back off a few notches. I have boundaries for my heart and my life that I stuck to despite the fact that I really like this guy. I also didn't have to be a total bitch about it. It was actually quite a mature situation. (Where did this woman come from?!)

   Am I bummed about this possible relationship not working out? You bet! But the amount of heartache I experience now, I know will pale in comparison to the pain I would've gone through if I tried to hold on to the relationship longer.

   I am pretty amazed at how drastically different I handled these two very similar situations. I have come so far in eight years. In fact, even a year ago I would have held on to this relationship a little longer. But not this time. This time I decided not to fuck around with my heart and my head.

Giving myself the awesome self-love thumbs up!! (jeez my hand looks huge here!)

   The beauty of this is that it makes me much more capable of effectively continuing to spread the love that I have in my heart for everyone I come into contact with, including this guy. How awesome is that?

   Self love my friends, self love! The least selfish thing anyone can do is take good care of themselves.
 
 Until we meet again friends!



Adventure Tip:
Everyday before I do much of anything else, I read from a couple of daily meditation books. Some people may find this practice silly or ineffective but it works for me. One of these is Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go. Meant for co-dependents but I find that many of the readings could be valuable to just about anyone. The other is Courage to Change which is a book from Al-Anon (for friends and family of alcoholics and addicts and for co-dependents). Again this one could be beneficial for many. The other thing I do is get daily emails from The Daily Love. I know I've mentioned this site on here before but it's certainly worth mentioning again. I get so much out of this daily email. I love how Mastin shares his message. It works for me. I encourage you to find a daily practice that works for you. One that supports self-love. Even if it seems tiny or insignificant...DO IT! Do it everyday. I promise, you will not regret it!

Adventures in possible success and depression

   These last few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster type adventure for me. School is finally over and I'm not going back, then I was preparing for the holidays while getting back into my old work routine, starting to maybe be officially "seeing" someone, continued working on my video interview project and starting off in a different direction for my career path with a project (hopefully) appropriately titled "the Job Escape Kit". Just typing all of this and rereading it makes me feel a little overwhelmed. That is a lot.

   This is all wonderful, awesome, exciting stuff (except the old work routine) and you know what? I don't want to do any of it! Not a damn thing. It's all too much, it's overwhelming, its scary and most of it is unknown territory for me. The thing is, I don't want to hide out in my pajamas either. I just don't seem to have the mental and emotional capacity for amazing life stuff right now.

    I don't know if it's the lack of Vitamin D we experience here in the Pacific Northwest, a post-holiday let down, the unsettling fear of unknown-ness in my life or a combination of all of the above. One could call this depression I don't have a problem with admitting to myself that I may be a little depressed right now. I'm not going to get a drug prescription and I have no desire to off myself. I'm just not my normal, optimistic self right now.  I haven't stopped my life just because I'm depressed. I just don't want to do any of it!!

   Okay, that's not true. I actually want to do ALL of it...every single bit of the amazing and adventurous unknown-ness but I'm a bit paralyzed with fear and lack of will. Did I just contradict myself? Probably, because that's certainly how I've been feeling...contradictory and very unlike me.

   I am tired, down, unenthusiastic, unmotivated, overwhelmed, scared. I want to do anything other than deal with, walk through and feel what I am going through right now. I want to shop, eat, fuck, drink, lose hours in social networks, what else? Anything! Anything but what I am going through.

   Now normally I feel this way when I'm going through something difficult and unknown but I still have a strong desire to keep on keepin' on. Right now I don't have that and that I attribute to the depression. But the real cause of this all, the biggie, is fear.

   I. Am. Scared.

   I am scared of success. Success in my life, career, love, health. Don't get me wrong, even though I fear success in these areas, I still work very hard to achieve my goals. The days of severe self-sabotage are over. I still get in my own way but usually stop long before any major drama.

   The thing is, I know how to do failure. I excel in what to do when I fail, I get back up...duh. But what do I do if I don't fall? What do I do if I get to stand tall? If I get the love I want? If I get to live the life I've dreamed of, that my spirit screams for, for so long? What do I do?

   In all honesty I can say, that at this point, I'm not really sure why this is so scary right now. Why pursuing a different path for a new career is so scary. School wasn't nearly this scary and I hated it! Or why pursuing a new possible romantic relationship is so difficult (I've done it before and survived), but it is. Maybe it's the way these paths have transpired this time. Different than they ever have before and different than I ever would have anticipated or even thought possible....seriously. Maybe it's the depression. Maybe it's all of the above. The point is, I don't really know but I don't need to know. What is important is that I honor the fact that I am scared and that I honor that this is different. When I honor what I am going though, it makes it easier to get through. When I let myself just be where I am at, instead of fighting it, it tends to just flow. I don't have to create a dam.

  Its amazing how difficult we can make things for ourselves. Discovering how we do this and then not doing it, is certainly an adventure. And this one has made me quite tired...or maybe that's the depression talking. Either way, I still don't have the choice to quit.

    I can easier live with myself if I fail but not if I quit.

 
   Over and out until next time my adventure friends.
   Thanks for reading!


Adventure Tip:
Sleep! Sleep! Sleep! We need it, especially in the winter. It's amazing what a few more hours than I normally need will do when I feel down. I wake up feeling like me again. So sleep my friends! If you don't know what sleep is or how beneficial it is to your health and well-being, google search it. Then take a nap!

Adventures in Fear and Confronting Yourself

   It's been an interesting week involving the emotional adventures in Carrie's head. (There will likely be some swearing in this episode). It started out hanging out with a guy friend of mine, a performance in Seattle with my band, continued with work on my current project, the second to last week of school and the onset of a bacterial infection. I got increasingly more tired throughout the week and by Thursday I was forced to spend about 36 consecutive hours, horizontally.

   Fighting an infection causes my brain to not fire logically at my normal capacity thus bringing my ability to handle my emotions with said logic down to about 20 percent. Do you see where I'm going with this? I've spent some time this week crying, talking with those closest to me and facing some of my demons. Thankfully I'm not pms-ing because who knows what sort of unruly bitch-beast would have been released!

    With my fluctuating hormones on my side this week I got to explore into the realm of "liking" someone. YES, I said it...I LIKE SOMEBODY! That's right I, Carrie, like A BOY. An intelligent, awkward, sexy, dirty, independent social butterfly who is a mad cook with a generous heart. Sounds terrible right? You said it! Gods forbid I enjoy a man's company enough to want to enjoy it a little bit more. I seriously have a problem with this, a big one. I don't want to like a boy. I hate liking boys. The last time I let myself get really excited about a boy he ended up beating the crap out of me on a regular basis for two years. So naturally, I'm a little hesitant.

    Don't worry, this post isn't about that sort of thing. Plus, I love myself today and I would never let anyone treat me like that ever again. That all being said, I'm still a scared little girl when it comes to liking someone. I will not allow myself to get excited about it. And that, my friends, is the most torturous part about the whole thing. I want to be excited (at least a little) but the mere thought of it literally terrifies me. I mentioned crying earlier...ya. This shit brings me to tears.

   My insides are all torn up about this. I want to dream about the adventures we could have together, what it would be like to travel with him, playing music, practicing yoga in remote and beautiful locations, cooking together and creating bizarre and delicious ferments, bike tours, hikes, shooting, meeting strangers, the list goes on and on. But I stop myself dead in my tracks. I stop before we've even held hands. I can't bring myself to do it. This may sound extreme but it feels like I will fucking die if I let myself dream.

    *sigh* I don't even want to get to the point where I even begin to like someone because that is where I start to die. So I try to fool myself into believing that I'm not really feeling what I'm feeling. This is where my lack of ability for logical thinking this week, came in handy because I could no longer reason myself out of my emotions. *Bing* Break-through time!

   Finally I allowed myself be okay with the fact that I like this dude. And now that I've had some time to work through my fears and calm down a bit, I want to profess my like for him right. this. minute. This is a big deal for me and I feel a sense of urgency. I need to know NOW if he likes me the same or I'm left not knowing if it is safe to continue liking him. So of course, as some sort of cosmic joke, certain circumstances have lead to there being no way of contacting him for several days unless I run into him somewhere. This leaves me sitting on my hands...waiting. Effing waiting! I can't wait for this!  Limbo. Freaking limbo! (I'm trying to keep it clean see).

   So what happens next? I get to be. I get to be still. It's actually a really good thing that I haven't been able to contact him this week or I likely would have done and/or said something really stupid. This way I get to really understand and own how I feel and not put it onto him. I get to see how all of these fears have nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. So when I do get to see him again, I can be confident and at peace with my own shit. I can continue the relationship, however it unfolds, with love and kindness instead of fear and expectations. (big ol' sigh of relief here!)

   The emotional roller coaster is exhausting! I'm glad that I don't ride it that often. Although it is a rough ride, it always results in some kind of personal break through and that is an awesome adventure, especially when it's finally through!

   I get back to the place of peace and personal acceptance with a new understanding of what makes me, me. And I love me!

   Over and out until next week friends!

   Please feel free to comment below on your own experience, how crazy you think I am or any other adventures you want to share!



Adventure Tip:
This week I encourage you to reach out to someone close if you are having a rough go about things. It is absolutely the most important thing for me to have several people that I can talk to about what I am going through. My friends are able to see my fears from an outside and unaffected perspective. They can see things that I can't or wont. They point them out to me lovingly and sometimes with a bop on the forehead...whatever makes me get it! (my friend actually did this to me this week). Without their loving support I can honestly say that I have no idea where I would be. They remind me that I am not alone in this world inside and outside of my head! So adventure beyond your fears and express them to a safe loved one.