Adventures in possible success and depression

   These last few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster type adventure for me. School is finally over and I'm not going back, then I was preparing for the holidays while getting back into my old work routine, starting to maybe be officially "seeing" someone, continued working on my video interview project and starting off in a different direction for my career path with a project (hopefully) appropriately titled "the Job Escape Kit". Just typing all of this and rereading it makes me feel a little overwhelmed. That is a lot.

   This is all wonderful, awesome, exciting stuff (except the old work routine) and you know what? I don't want to do any of it! Not a damn thing. It's all too much, it's overwhelming, its scary and most of it is unknown territory for me. The thing is, I don't want to hide out in my pajamas either. I just don't seem to have the mental and emotional capacity for amazing life stuff right now.

    I don't know if it's the lack of Vitamin D we experience here in the Pacific Northwest, a post-holiday let down, the unsettling fear of unknown-ness in my life or a combination of all of the above. One could call this depression I don't have a problem with admitting to myself that I may be a little depressed right now. I'm not going to get a drug prescription and I have no desire to off myself. I'm just not my normal, optimistic self right now.  I haven't stopped my life just because I'm depressed. I just don't want to do any of it!!

   Okay, that's not true. I actually want to do ALL of it...every single bit of the amazing and adventurous unknown-ness but I'm a bit paralyzed with fear and lack of will. Did I just contradict myself? Probably, because that's certainly how I've been feeling...contradictory and very unlike me.

   I am tired, down, unenthusiastic, unmotivated, overwhelmed, scared. I want to do anything other than deal with, walk through and feel what I am going through right now. I want to shop, eat, fuck, drink, lose hours in social networks, what else? Anything! Anything but what I am going through.

   Now normally I feel this way when I'm going through something difficult and unknown but I still have a strong desire to keep on keepin' on. Right now I don't have that and that I attribute to the depression. But the real cause of this all, the biggie, is fear.

   I. Am. Scared.

   I am scared of success. Success in my life, career, love, health. Don't get me wrong, even though I fear success in these areas, I still work very hard to achieve my goals. The days of severe self-sabotage are over. I still get in my own way but usually stop long before any major drama.

   The thing is, I know how to do failure. I excel in what to do when I fail, I get back up...duh. But what do I do if I don't fall? What do I do if I get to stand tall? If I get the love I want? If I get to live the life I've dreamed of, that my spirit screams for, for so long? What do I do?

   In all honesty I can say, that at this point, I'm not really sure why this is so scary right now. Why pursuing a different path for a new career is so scary. School wasn't nearly this scary and I hated it! Or why pursuing a new possible romantic relationship is so difficult (I've done it before and survived), but it is. Maybe it's the way these paths have transpired this time. Different than they ever have before and different than I ever would have anticipated or even thought possible....seriously. Maybe it's the depression. Maybe it's all of the above. The point is, I don't really know but I don't need to know. What is important is that I honor the fact that I am scared and that I honor that this is different. When I honor what I am going though, it makes it easier to get through. When I let myself just be where I am at, instead of fighting it, it tends to just flow. I don't have to create a dam.

  Its amazing how difficult we can make things for ourselves. Discovering how we do this and then not doing it, is certainly an adventure. And this one has made me quite tired...or maybe that's the depression talking. Either way, I still don't have the choice to quit.

    I can easier live with myself if I fail but not if I quit.

 
   Over and out until next time my adventure friends.
   Thanks for reading!


Adventure Tip:
Sleep! Sleep! Sleep! We need it, especially in the winter. It's amazing what a few more hours than I normally need will do when I feel down. I wake up feeling like me again. So sleep my friends! If you don't know what sleep is or how beneficial it is to your health and well-being, google search it. Then take a nap!

Adventures in Fear and Confronting Yourself

   It's been an interesting week involving the emotional adventures in Carrie's head. (There will likely be some swearing in this episode). It started out hanging out with a guy friend of mine, a performance in Seattle with my band, continued with work on my current project, the second to last week of school and the onset of a bacterial infection. I got increasingly more tired throughout the week and by Thursday I was forced to spend about 36 consecutive hours, horizontally.

   Fighting an infection causes my brain to not fire logically at my normal capacity thus bringing my ability to handle my emotions with said logic down to about 20 percent. Do you see where I'm going with this? I've spent some time this week crying, talking with those closest to me and facing some of my demons. Thankfully I'm not pms-ing because who knows what sort of unruly bitch-beast would have been released!

    With my fluctuating hormones on my side this week I got to explore into the realm of "liking" someone. YES, I said it...I LIKE SOMEBODY! That's right I, Carrie, like A BOY. An intelligent, awkward, sexy, dirty, independent social butterfly who is a mad cook with a generous heart. Sounds terrible right? You said it! Gods forbid I enjoy a man's company enough to want to enjoy it a little bit more. I seriously have a problem with this, a big one. I don't want to like a boy. I hate liking boys. The last time I let myself get really excited about a boy he ended up beating the crap out of me on a regular basis for two years. So naturally, I'm a little hesitant.

    Don't worry, this post isn't about that sort of thing. Plus, I love myself today and I would never let anyone treat me like that ever again. That all being said, I'm still a scared little girl when it comes to liking someone. I will not allow myself to get excited about it. And that, my friends, is the most torturous part about the whole thing. I want to be excited (at least a little) but the mere thought of it literally terrifies me. I mentioned crying earlier...ya. This shit brings me to tears.

   My insides are all torn up about this. I want to dream about the adventures we could have together, what it would be like to travel with him, playing music, practicing yoga in remote and beautiful locations, cooking together and creating bizarre and delicious ferments, bike tours, hikes, shooting, meeting strangers, the list goes on and on. But I stop myself dead in my tracks. I stop before we've even held hands. I can't bring myself to do it. This may sound extreme but it feels like I will fucking die if I let myself dream.

    *sigh* I don't even want to get to the point where I even begin to like someone because that is where I start to die. So I try to fool myself into believing that I'm not really feeling what I'm feeling. This is where my lack of ability for logical thinking this week, came in handy because I could no longer reason myself out of my emotions. *Bing* Break-through time!

   Finally I allowed myself be okay with the fact that I like this dude. And now that I've had some time to work through my fears and calm down a bit, I want to profess my like for him right. this. minute. This is a big deal for me and I feel a sense of urgency. I need to know NOW if he likes me the same or I'm left not knowing if it is safe to continue liking him. So of course, as some sort of cosmic joke, certain circumstances have lead to there being no way of contacting him for several days unless I run into him somewhere. This leaves me sitting on my hands...waiting. Effing waiting! I can't wait for this!  Limbo. Freaking limbo! (I'm trying to keep it clean see).

   So what happens next? I get to be. I get to be still. It's actually a really good thing that I haven't been able to contact him this week or I likely would have done and/or said something really stupid. This way I get to really understand and own how I feel and not put it onto him. I get to see how all of these fears have nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. So when I do get to see him again, I can be confident and at peace with my own shit. I can continue the relationship, however it unfolds, with love and kindness instead of fear and expectations. (big ol' sigh of relief here!)

   The emotional roller coaster is exhausting! I'm glad that I don't ride it that often. Although it is a rough ride, it always results in some kind of personal break through and that is an awesome adventure, especially when it's finally through!

   I get back to the place of peace and personal acceptance with a new understanding of what makes me, me. And I love me!

   Over and out until next week friends!

   Please feel free to comment below on your own experience, how crazy you think I am or any other adventures you want to share!



Adventure Tip:
This week I encourage you to reach out to someone close if you are having a rough go about things. It is absolutely the most important thing for me to have several people that I can talk to about what I am going through. My friends are able to see my fears from an outside and unaffected perspective. They can see things that I can't or wont. They point them out to me lovingly and sometimes with a bop on the forehead...whatever makes me get it! (my friend actually did this to me this week). Without their loving support I can honestly say that I have no idea where I would be. They remind me that I am not alone in this world inside and outside of my head! So adventure beyond your fears and express them to a safe loved one.

Lake Ann part 2: Glacial dip and Hike Lunches

  continued from part 1

   The lake was in site but mostly iced over with little actual shoreline access. Seeing the lake but not being able to see where I could actually get to shore safely was torturous at this point. Like being thirsty after a long, hot day filled with sweaty, dirty manual labor and all you want is a tall glass of your favorite beverage, ice cold. Where the beads of condensation are slowly dripping down the side. Where you're so dry, those drops refresh your hand as it holds the glass. You can see it just waiting for you, you can taste it, you can feel it but your waitress is taking those glasses to another table. I had to keep walking around the lake until I could find a spot to get to the water. I was focused, determined. AT LAST I found a spot! I headed straight down, nothing would stop me! These feet needed the sweet relief that only glacial water could accommodate.

    I love the mental image of myself that I like to think others around the lake saw. A lone, barefooted, tattooed woman, accompanied by an all white dog, determinedly marching (hobbling is more like it) straight into that clear blue lake. And into that lake I marched! I felt like I was in one of those old cartoons where the character's feet are literally on fire and they jump into some water and breathe a huge sigh of relief. The calm that ensues after that is unmistakable. I'm in the lake but it was too cold to stay in for very long. Probably about 15 seconds. But I made it!

   I then proceeded to sit and eat one of the best lunches ever. I think all hike lunches are the best. The food really doesn't have to be that great to be amazing at 5,000 plus feet above sea level after it took you 2 or 3 hours on foot to get there. I ate that pear like I had never eaten a pear in my life! As I sat on a rock by the lake, soaking up the sun, I watched my dog run around on the snow and drink from the lake, it's all so peaceful and beautiful, beautiful beyond words. There are feelings in my gut and my spirit that there aren't words for and I'm ok with that. Part of why I love hiking so much is that I get to be reminded of those wordless understandings with my spirit every time I'm out. When surrounded by the silent noise of nature, the pure air in a place where far fewer people go than those who don't, it is a sacred experience. This is the hike lunch. This is why they are all the best.

   Time for a dip in the lake! I was pretty intent on taking a swim while on the hike up but once I had put my feet in and cooled off a bit, I had second thoughts. Overhearing other hikers vocalize my thoughts with responses regarding the glacial temperatures didn't help either. As I sat, I thought to myself, "Carrie, if you knew that you were never going to come back here, what would you do?" The answer...Jump in of course!  Yes, it was cold, very cold, glacial in fact, but quite refreshing. It takes refreshing to a whole new level. My body felt cleansed and tingly (not numb). A hiker's baptism! The feeling lingered for longer than I can remember. Good stuff.

     Here's me, after my dip in the lake (sometimes I'm not too skilled with my 35mm).

    After my glacial dip, I let the sun dry my skin, packed up and headed back (with my Vibrams on). I gorged myself on trail mix and melted chocolate while driving down the switched-back mountain road (also a funny sight in my head). Made it home with a lovely open, raw feeling on the bottom of my feet and in my soul.



adventure tip: 
One of my traditions when leaving Mount Baker after a hike, snowboarding or whatever is to get myself an espresso at the Wake n Bakery. A great little coffee place with friendly service and an amazing array of delicious baked goods to tempt even my non-grain eating self to at least hover over. They also have a lot of merchandise you can pick up with their clever name and slogan "Get Sconed" on it. I highly recommend checking them out anytime that you're on your way through Glacier.

Want to hike Lake Ann?

Lake Ann Part 1: Hiking alone and barefoot

   I had wanted to hike to Lake Ann for a few years now. As the end of summer was rapidly approaching, I decided that this year was the year to make the trip. A week before I went I had thought that if no one could go with me, I would just do a shorter hike, closer to town. But as Saturday drew nearer, something shifted in me and I decided that I wanted to go on this hike bad enough that it didn't matter whether or not I went alone. When it came down to it, I ended up going alone. Hiking alone can be a bit scary for a woman but can also be a very empowering experience.  My mother, who still worries about me despite all the crazy things I did in my youth, was afraid for my safety but I assured her that not only did I have a knife and a whistle, but that the real danger out on the trails lies with me getting injured with no one else around, not scary hikers. So my dog and I went on this lovely hike together.
  
    I decided before I hit the trail that I wanted to do this one barefoot, at least one direction. There is something so perfectly grounding about walking barefoot. Feeling the different textures under your feet and learning to conform your foot to the ground as it is instead of stomping your boots down, is a lovely thing and a perfect metaphor for life. I strongly encourage anyone to try going barefoot even if only in your own home or yard. The feeling of pure mountain mud or a stream between your toes is like none other. I did get many comments from other hikers about how tough I was and I assured every one of them that, "It really isn't that bad. You figure out how to walk without getting hurt real quick".

    Deciding to hike barefoot proved to be the most mentally challenging part of this hike. I did bring my Vibrams just in case but I managed to tough it out all the way to the lake. The first 3 miles or so were pretty nice, a little rocky and a couple of snow fields but if you're at all used to being barefoot its no problem. About a mile or so from the lake the trail got quite rocky, like the rocks along train tracks, only worse. It wasn't too bad at first but part of what made it difficult was that I didn't know how long the trail would remain this way. If I had known, I probably would have put my shoes on but I didn't. The other difficult part was that I often don't know when to quit. I kept at it to the point of relatively intense pain.  Now, I consider myself a pretty tough cookie with a decent threshold for pain. Plus, I'm a bit of a glutton for punishment. I really do enjoy seeing how far I can push my physical and mental self on occasion. This hike brought me to tears. I almost gave up and put on my shoes. Almost.

   I'm a big fan of positive self-talk (yes, I talk to myself. A lot actually). It has gotten me pretty far in life. I have also been pretty foolish at times and caused myself long-term injuries out of sheer stubborn will. So I had to do a little check in up there on that mountain. Somewhere within a mile after this picture was taken (see those rocks below my feet?...those were a piece of cake compared to the last mile!).

I had committed myself to doing this hike totally barefoot at least one way. But what I knew was that it was ok for me to put on my shoes if I really needed to. So, with raw, burning feet, sweat, tears and that kind of mental exhaustion that only comes with pain, I knew that I didn't have to force myself to do this and that if I did decide to put on my shoes that that didn't mean that I was weak or a quitter or that I should be completely disappointed with myself. It just meant that I had reached my limit...no biggie...we all have them. And only when I was really ok with the fact that I Carrie, have limits, I was able to continue barefoot despite the pain I was in. Other hikers were starting to pass me at this point, admiring (I think) my crazy, barefootedness. I would declare my pain and continue at my slow and steady pace. The thought of how refreshing it would feel to plunge my burning feet into the icy lake kept me going.


continued here in part 2