A Path of Less Heartache: Adventures in Self Love

   Eight years ago I was a different person. I was still Carrie but I only allowed myself to be a shell of who I actually am. Eight years ago I was constantly drunk, constantly afraid and hated myself. I did not go on many adventures, unless you count the fuzzy, vomit-lined, stumbling drunk adventures many parts of which escape my memory.

Here's me passed out on the street in my hometown. My boyfriend was so kind as to take my picture. Not as a reminder for me but because he was mad at me...apparently I wasn't being very nice that evening. The dog is tied up to me so I wouldn't be left alone while he went to try to call a cab. Yes, that is vomit. This is just screaming self love...right...right?

   Eight years ago I met an amazing guy (the guy who took that pic). He was cute, awkward, goofy, dirty, thoughtful, smart and fun. We hit it off immediately and spent a lot of time together. He told me about how he lived his life, how he dealt with his emotions, what pushed his buttons, what he did when he got hurt. I heard all of this, took it into account. 

   With what I knew about myself and what he told me about himself I knew that "he would destroy me" (those were my exact thoughts). What did I do? Well I really liked him, he was so wonderful and I hated myself so I opted for the path of destruction. This choice lead to two intense years of abuse, heartache and self destruction for both of us. 

   Six years ago this relationship is what threw me, head first, onto my path to sobriety, self-love and recovery. It literally took about two years to get over the heartache from said relationship. My songwriting skills, amazing friends and a lot of support helped me work through a lot of it. 

  Six years ago it all started with tiny acts of self-love. I mean seriously small acts such as basic hygiene, eating food, getting to work on time and allowing myself to be human. These are huge acts for the self-hating. The more I did these tasks of self love, the more of them I was able to do. Then eventually larger, more difficult acts of self love like keeping up with my yoga practice, connecting with loved ones and allowing myself time to rest even when there is a ton of work to be done.

   The ability to do kind things for myself has aided significantly in boosting my self esteem which in turn has helped to improve my ability to set (and maintain) healthy boundaries for myself...and my heart.

   This week I was able to do just that in the spur of the moment and while tired. I was having a conversation with the totally amazing guy I've been (kind of) seeing about how our situation was working for us. He told me about how he lives his life, how he handles his emotions, what pushes his buttons and what his needs are. I heard what he said and took them into account. (In his defense, this guy is of much higher caliber than the guy from eight years ago.) In recognizing and honoring the facts about myself, how I handle my emotions and what my needs are, I was able to see that continuing a relationship with him beyond friendship would cause me unnecessary heartache. And a lot of it.

   What did I do? Right then and there I was able to speak up for myself and say that it wouldn't work for me and that I would need to back off a few notches. I have boundaries for my heart and my life that I stuck to despite the fact that I really like this guy. I also didn't have to be a total bitch about it. It was actually quite a mature situation. (Where did this woman come from?!)

   Am I bummed about this possible relationship not working out? You bet! But the amount of heartache I experience now, I know will pale in comparison to the pain I would've gone through if I tried to hold on to the relationship longer.

   I am pretty amazed at how drastically different I handled these two very similar situations. I have come so far in eight years. In fact, even a year ago I would have held on to this relationship a little longer. But not this time. This time I decided not to fuck around with my heart and my head.

Giving myself the awesome self-love thumbs up!! (jeez my hand looks huge here!)

   The beauty of this is that it makes me much more capable of effectively continuing to spread the love that I have in my heart for everyone I come into contact with, including this guy. How awesome is that?

   Self love my friends, self love! The least selfish thing anyone can do is take good care of themselves.
 
 Until we meet again friends!



Adventure Tip:
Everyday before I do much of anything else, I read from a couple of daily meditation books. Some people may find this practice silly or ineffective but it works for me. One of these is Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go. Meant for co-dependents but I find that many of the readings could be valuable to just about anyone. The other is Courage to Change which is a book from Al-Anon (for friends and family of alcoholics and addicts and for co-dependents). Again this one could be beneficial for many. The other thing I do is get daily emails from The Daily Love. I know I've mentioned this site on here before but it's certainly worth mentioning again. I get so much out of this daily email. I love how Mastin shares his message. It works for me. I encourage you to find a daily practice that works for you. One that supports self-love. Even if it seems tiny or insignificant...DO IT! Do it everyday. I promise, you will not regret it!

Trash the old script and make your own rules..Maybe your biggest adventure yet!

Today is the day and this is the moment. There is no other moment, not right now anyway.

What if from here on out you could replace all that bullshit in your head with whatever you wanted?
--What new script would you write for yourself?

What if at this exact moment you could truly own yourself, your whole self, your entire being?
--Not the media, your family or friends, not your boss, not your god?

What if right this very second there were no prior rules already set to apply to your life?
--What would you do different?

What if while sitting here reading this you realized that you never had to apologize for being authentically you ever again?
--What dreams would you live out?

What if the only thing you ever had to do ever again was bring all the love and light that is uniquely you to whatever it is that you're doing at this moment, nothing more and nothing less?
--Could you relax? Could you let go?

What if you could look yourself in the mirror right now seeing every exposed nook and cranny, every hair, mole, muscle, stretch mark, skin flap, patch of cellulite, wrinkle, your gut, muffin top or six pack, every little uneven bit of beautiful human imperfection and love every inch and pound of it, I mean really love it?
--Would you stop comparing yourself to others?

What if you could look yourself in the eye and proclaim your devoted and undying love for yourself not matter what?
--Who would you become?

What if you knew that you had what it takes to make all of your dreams come true already inside of you?
--What would you search for now?

What if you knew that nothing could stop you from achieving your goals, not even yourself?
*What would you do?
*How would you feel?
*Where would you go?
*Who would you love?

What does freedom feel like?
Does freedom scare you?
Do these questions make you want to run and hide, switch back to your social network, the tv, that cookie, the clothes rack, the drink, your homework, your job?
Do they invoke a stirring in your guts? Somewhere deep within? Deeper than your physical self?

What if you could not only be loved but be love?

What would the world look like then?

There is no instruction manual for the living.
Past experience does not ever dictate how this current moment will go.

This is it.
This moment.
No rules.
No apologies.
Bring it!

Thanks for reading!

Do you have a friend that could benefit from my "words of wisdom"? Share this with them! You never know how one tiny thought or action could completely change someone's life.


Adventure Tip:
Living a life of freedom is rewarding but can also be difficult and tiring. I suggest an awesome soundtrack. I call mine the "Going Pro Soundtrack". It's full of songs that stir my guts, that make me cry tears of self-slavery ending joy, that make me want to take action, that make me want to bust my ego, that make me want to spread the love. It's full of songs that are impossible for me to hear and not follow my heart. Sometimes I listen to all the songs but more often one strikes me on a certain day and I listen to it all day. Today that song is Fall by M83 Vs. Big Black Delta (wait for it...2:30). Today, all day, while writing this blog and at this very moment, listening to this song, I know that I create my own fucking destiny!  What's on your gut stirring play list? Share with us!

video interview blog update

   Some of you may be checking in to see if my video project is finished. I did say that I was hoping for it to be done the beginning or middle of this month. However due to illness, holidays, some depression and straight up fear and weirdness, that is not going to happen. I'm still working on it and it will get finished, just not in my original time frame. So keep checking back because it will be here soon enough!!

Thanks!

adventures in loneliness and considering new friends

     This week I am missing people. No one specifically (no offense), just people in general. I like people. I like interacting with them. I like the adventure of meeting them, getting to know them, connecting, laughing with them, seeing what makes them tick and really just being around people.
 
   I am around other people everyday. But most days, not that many. Some days, other than the people at the checkout stand, it's only one or two other people that I get to connect with.

   Just over a year ago I moved into my very own place, without roommates, for the first time in my life ever. Okay, my son is my roommate but it is really a different situation with children. Plus he's only been here for the last five months. I'm talking adults. Or at least people my age-ish.

   My entire life I have lived with other people and I had wanted to live alone for a long time. I had this fantasy about it. About doing whatever I wanted, in my own time, in my own house, naked, baking and blasting dance music at 3am...or whatever.

   But the fantasy was not about living alone as much as it was about not having anyone else to answer to. I have been somewhat (that's an understatement) of a co-dependent for most of my life. And when you're a co-dependent everything you do is dictated by your perceived ideas of what other people think you should or shouldn't be doing. It is a cage, a self-imposed, ego-driven confinement, fueled by low self-esteem. So the idea of living alone meant I didn't have to worry about what anyone else thought of my music, food, decorating, pajamas or anything else...I would be free!

   Turns out it's not really like that. I mean, I guess in a way it is but it's not the freedom that I had anticipated. It certainly has its benefits. But the truth is, I really miss having people around. I miss smelling other people cooking, even if I don't get to eat it. I miss there being someone home when I get off work that I can sit and b.s. with for half an hour. I miss the noise in the house when I'm trying to sleep (because it actually helps me fall asleep). I miss the random ridiculousness and the true heart of people that you don't get to experience unless you live with them.

   I'm coming to the understanding that I value roommates and all that goes with them more than I value the freedom to walk around naked (which some roommates do anyway).

   Maybe I just need to make more friends and have them come over. I've never really been awesome at making friends. Don't get me wrong...I am a great friend and I have some amazing people in my life that I am very close with. But most of them live far away or have families with busy lives.

  When this woman in my yoga class, who was new in town, started talking to me consistently, I wondered why she was talking to me? She didn't know me or my friends. I didn't understand.  "Oh this is what people do...this is how they make friends. They meet people while doing things that they like and make friends with them....weird."

   Maybe I make friends in an awkward/backwards sort of way. I've always just been the type to meet friends of friends. I'm with my friends enough, I meet some of theirs and vice versa then boom, I have new friends. Same thing with guys. I've never really been one to date. "Lets meet at said location at such and such time, eat food and talk." What?! Can't we all just hang out? Single me out in a room and I tend to be kind of awkward (I am getting better at this one though)!

   It also seems that most times I really start to get pretty close and connect with someone, they go away for whatever reason. Always on good terms but that's just the way life is sometimes. Everyone has their own adventures and paths to follow. This does not stop me from trying though. My life is always enriched by these passing spirit connections.

  So what's next for me? If all goes well, I will be moving back into a roommate situation at the end of the summer. In the mean time I need to meet new people, make some connections and get out of the house more, which is hard to do as a single mom. Perhaps nourish some of the relationships I already have a little more. This loneliness thing is really starting to get to me.

   I used to think that I didn't need people and that I was much better off without them. People can disappoint and cause pain. Although these things are true, not having people in my life is much worse. It robs me of the adventure of absolute joy, love, support and companionship I get when I open myself to others. And as long as I don't watch any reality television, I generally think that all people are totally awesome!
  
Until we meet again!

Thanks for reading :) and feel free to comment. Can you relate to this? Tell us why!

Adventures in possible success and depression

   These last few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster type adventure for me. School is finally over and I'm not going back, then I was preparing for the holidays while getting back into my old work routine, starting to maybe be officially "seeing" someone, continued working on my video interview project and starting off in a different direction for my career path with a project (hopefully) appropriately titled "the Job Escape Kit". Just typing all of this and rereading it makes me feel a little overwhelmed. That is a lot.

   This is all wonderful, awesome, exciting stuff (except the old work routine) and you know what? I don't want to do any of it! Not a damn thing. It's all too much, it's overwhelming, its scary and most of it is unknown territory for me. The thing is, I don't want to hide out in my pajamas either. I just don't seem to have the mental and emotional capacity for amazing life stuff right now.

    I don't know if it's the lack of Vitamin D we experience here in the Pacific Northwest, a post-holiday let down, the unsettling fear of unknown-ness in my life or a combination of all of the above. One could call this depression I don't have a problem with admitting to myself that I may be a little depressed right now. I'm not going to get a drug prescription and I have no desire to off myself. I'm just not my normal, optimistic self right now.  I haven't stopped my life just because I'm depressed. I just don't want to do any of it!!

   Okay, that's not true. I actually want to do ALL of it...every single bit of the amazing and adventurous unknown-ness but I'm a bit paralyzed with fear and lack of will. Did I just contradict myself? Probably, because that's certainly how I've been feeling...contradictory and very unlike me.

   I am tired, down, unenthusiastic, unmotivated, overwhelmed, scared. I want to do anything other than deal with, walk through and feel what I am going through right now. I want to shop, eat, fuck, drink, lose hours in social networks, what else? Anything! Anything but what I am going through.

   Now normally I feel this way when I'm going through something difficult and unknown but I still have a strong desire to keep on keepin' on. Right now I don't have that and that I attribute to the depression. But the real cause of this all, the biggie, is fear.

   I. Am. Scared.

   I am scared of success. Success in my life, career, love, health. Don't get me wrong, even though I fear success in these areas, I still work very hard to achieve my goals. The days of severe self-sabotage are over. I still get in my own way but usually stop long before any major drama.

   The thing is, I know how to do failure. I excel in what to do when I fail, I get back up...duh. But what do I do if I don't fall? What do I do if I get to stand tall? If I get the love I want? If I get to live the life I've dreamed of, that my spirit screams for, for so long? What do I do?

   In all honesty I can say, that at this point, I'm not really sure why this is so scary right now. Why pursuing a different path for a new career is so scary. School wasn't nearly this scary and I hated it! Or why pursuing a new possible romantic relationship is so difficult (I've done it before and survived), but it is. Maybe it's the way these paths have transpired this time. Different than they ever have before and different than I ever would have anticipated or even thought possible....seriously. Maybe it's the depression. Maybe it's all of the above. The point is, I don't really know but I don't need to know. What is important is that I honor the fact that I am scared and that I honor that this is different. When I honor what I am going though, it makes it easier to get through. When I let myself just be where I am at, instead of fighting it, it tends to just flow. I don't have to create a dam.

  Its amazing how difficult we can make things for ourselves. Discovering how we do this and then not doing it, is certainly an adventure. And this one has made me quite tired...or maybe that's the depression talking. Either way, I still don't have the choice to quit.

    I can easier live with myself if I fail but not if I quit.

 
   Over and out until next time my adventure friends.
   Thanks for reading!


Adventure Tip:
Sleep! Sleep! Sleep! We need it, especially in the winter. It's amazing what a few more hours than I normally need will do when I feel down. I wake up feeling like me again. So sleep my friends! If you don't know what sleep is or how beneficial it is to your health and well-being, google search it. Then take a nap!

Adventures in...apparently food porn

   Whew! I am exhausted. It's been a crazy, awesome, tiring, adventure and love filled few weeks. I kind of wish I would have written a better blog last week so I could half-ass this week's blog. But I cannot. So here I am, finally recovered from holiday awesomeness exhaustion and a bout with winter and life circumstance induced depression.

   I wanted this edition to be about holiday family awesomeness but it's not going to be...not too much anyway. I love my family and every time we get together, it's a lovely thing. It was announced that we have a new little one on his or her way to our growing extended family in June and we got to Skype with our missing family parts in Boston. There is always lots of love, laughter and genuine connection going on. A little more about that in the next blog, but first, a little food porn from our holiday feast...

   We'll start with my step-mom's most amazing rolls! Seriously these things are little, light, buttery chunks of heaven! It's not a difficult task to down 5 or 6 of them without thinking about it!

My goofy, younger brother mixing dough for the awesome, Austrian cookies he made, pictured below. (I know he's not food porn but still pretty good looking, aye ladies?!)

       Yes, they were as good as they look and no, they're not Paleo. That's ok, I get to indulge :)

And finally a slice of my almost Paleo pumpkin pie (I added milk) and homemade whipped cream sweetened with maple syrup.

     I just made an executive decision to stop this blog here and start another one about my winter depression. So I hope you enjoy the food porn, it's certainly fun taking the pictures. I try not to obsess about the photos to much. It doesn't hurt that I have a special app on my phone that makes it super easy to do!

Until we meet again friends...I'll be back soon!

Thanks for reading!