Wednesday, October 30, 2013

A Note on Love

   Two dear friends of mine are engaged and I am so thrilled for them! As far as I can tell, they're as perfect for each other as any two people can be. When my friend asked me to be a bride's maid (of the informal type) I was honored. 

   My band is planning to perform at a festival out of town the same weekend as the wedding. Normally whatever the band wants takes priority over pretty much anything else in my life but not for this event. Dropping everything to be at my friend's side on her special day is more important than anything else to me. 

   Little did I know exactly how important that would be to her and her fiance. Turns out not everyone they've asked to participate in their wedding is willing to do so. 

   I really can't wrap my brain around not wanting to celebrate the absolute love and devotion between two amazing, loving and beautiful people. Let alone two people whom I absolutely love and adore! Two people whom I believe are well suited for each other and are coming together because of love, real love, honest love, scary love, dirty love, ugly love, pure love, beautiful love. They aren't getting married for selfish, needy and co-dependent reasons that so many people do.

   So what's the problem? Why are people who love both of them unwilling to participate? Apparently it's because they're both women. I know, I know…crazy right? 

   I get it, but I don't get it. I get it on the level of understanding that so many people have such limiting beliefs. For whatever reason they have them, they have them. BUT, I don't get it. 

   I'm not saying that whatever you believe in is wrong or right, better or worse. It all just is. 

   What I do want to say is that I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that wherever your beliefs came from, your faith, your higher power, your religion, your upbringing or whatever else, they limit you from celebrating love. They limit you from believing that real love, in any form, should be held in the absolute highest esteem! They limit you from being able to expand beyond your boxed in belief of something that knows no bounds. 

   Do you really honestly believe, with every inch of your flesh, blood, head, heart and spirit that your god would condemn love?! Or that you would be condemned for celebrating it between two people of the same sex? 

   If so, I'm sorry. I am truly sorry for you. I am sorry that your beliefs keep your spirit limited. I'm sorry that what you believe in limits love. 

   I want you to know that love has no limits. You cannot own love, you cannot control love, you cannot limit love (no matter what you believe). I want you to know that love is beyond you and me. Love is beyond belief and faith. And love is beyond god. 

Love…is. 

   For my lovely friends, I will be by your sides not only in the church on your special day but for every day before and after!




P.S. There are several people in my life, whom I love dearly, that hold what I think is a limiting belief on love. I love and adore them no less because of what they believe. We all have our place but that doesn't make me any less sad about it.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

A Two-part Adventure in Camping and Honoring Your Spirit

   I have dreams to pursue and goals to make happen. The two big ones right now are 1) more music, more and more music, playing, learning, collaborating, performing, making money at it, more music. 2) Travel as a lifestyle. I have several other goals for my life but these are the two that are taking the forefront in my life...FINALLY!!
 
   The music thing I am doing now but the travel thing, well I'm doing as much as I can but it's not my lifestyle yet. There are some other things that I'm working on so that can happen the way I want it to and I'm getting close, oh so close! I can almost taste it!

   Although I'm excited about the direction of my life, actively pursuing one's dreams often comes with fear, resistance, tears, shedding old beliefs, sacrifice, hard work, lack of sleep, the list goes on and on. But the satisfaction one gets from actually living your purpose is worth all of the difficulty.
 
   I am learning that most of the difficulty I encounter is really just me and my head drama taking on a new form. I see and feel it creep up most often in the form of distraction and busyness. I am oh so good at keeping myself busy. Most of it is great stuff too not the obvious things one might think like TV, social networking, gaming, etc. But obsessive health research and application, hanging out with friends, over organizing, unorganized shopping (mostly for groceries) and work (yes, my day job is a huge distraction). If I keep myself busy, I don't have to face my fears and I don't have to do the things that are really important to me and achieving my goals because, "don't you see, I've got grocery shopping to do".
 
   This week I needed to get away from all the distractions I've been participating in. I needed to give myself the space to be present for the fear that was rising inside of me that I was resisting. So I took myself and the dog to the lake.

    I have a spot that I like to go that is free, relatively secluded yet easy to get to and awe inspiring! When I go here I can't help but be totally present. There are no distractions just clear glacial water, a lot of trees, wide open sky and wildlife.


   The level of simplicity of my life mirrors my stress level and what I love about this kind of camping is that it's relatively primitive, at least I try to keep it that way. I do have some decent camp gear but I still filter my drinking water from the lake, cut all my veggies with my pocket knife, gather fire wood, eat out of the pan and go to sleep not too long after the sun sets. I also don't mind being dirty crapping in a hole or sleeping in my clothes. This type of camping requires presence of mind. I can't wander off too far in my head over thinking, blocking or getting too emotional about anything, I could easily do something stupid and freeze, starve or get dehydrated. It's that simple, yet a lot more work than it may sound like.

   It took me a little bit to get settled into "present mode" but when I did, the truth that I had been distracting and resisting came out loud and clear. My fear: that following my dreams will equal abandonment, that those that I love will not understand, will be hurt in some way and leave me or that they will feel abandoned by me because I will no longer be available to them in the way that I have been.
 
   Now I could say right now that this fear sounds silly and that the people who truly love me will always be there to support me, will absolutely enjoy receiving post cards from the road and will wildly throw their arms around me when they get the chance to see me. AND if they can't support me, then I don't really need them in my life.
 
   I know these things to be true but there is still a scared little girl in me sometimes who somewhere along the line believed the idea that she had to behave a certain way in order to receive love and to be safe. To fit in with the pack.
 
   Those who know me know that I have almost never been one to "follow the pack". I have always been wild, adventurous, creative, solitary and passionate. But sometimes just sometimes that fear of being left out and alone gets the better of me in some way or another. It's been coming up a lot in this whole "quit my job and follow my purpose as a world traveler, never mind where the money will come from, just gotta do it" thing.
 
   I find it amazing that whenever I start to get afraid, something happens that whips the fear's ass and brings Carrie back in. I have so much love and support where I didn't think I would. I have random tiny moments on off days when someone will say something to me, something so small but so big and it will reaffirm my purpose and smother my fear. It will fill my heart with absolute joy and courage knowing that the universe has my ass covered, that I'm on the right path and that I'm not alone!
 
   So back to the lake. As I was standing naked on solid rock, dripping wet from a swim, the sun drying my skin, a most gentle and lightly pine scented breeze blew through my lake soaked hair and I knew that no matter how fragile I felt, that I would be OK as long as I am gentle with myself.



   What I've become aware of (in yet, another new way) is that in order for this to work, in order for me to live out my purpose, I, Carrie, must be the one ultimately to accept myself and my purpose. I have to accept that it will take countless hours of dedication, much sacrifice and that some people wont understand and may feel abandoned. I must accept that at some times I will be alone in my adventure.
 
   I'm currently looking for members of this tribe. At this point it hasn't been easy to find people that are doing what I'm doing. What I know is that if I keep talking about it and continue in the direction of my dreams, I will find them! I will not be alone!

   Sometimes we must tread in the dark before we can see the light. And sometimes we have to be so bold as to venture alone in unknown territory in order to stumble upon others on a similar path. So I will continue on, doing things that scare the crap out of me and trigger my fear of abandonment because remaining where I'm at because it is comfortable and "safe" is absolutely detrimental to my soul!

   I will leave you with a quote from Stephen Covey thats been singing through my head and heart for the last couple of weeks. "You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage - pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically - to say 'no' to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger 'yes' burning inside. The enemy of the 'best' is often the 'good'."


Sunday, August 4, 2013

Travel adventures: Twelve things I've learned from the road

I just got home from a three week long road trip. I've done a bit of traveling in my day but it's been quite a while since I've been on a trip this long. There are some things that are different about traveling for a few days as opposed to a few weeks or months.

Here are some things that I've learned or was reminded of on my adventure:

1)  ALWAYS stop and turn around if you feel the need: Whether it's a road side attraction, to pick up hitch hikers, check out that thing on the road, take a picture or whatever, there is an experience waiting to be had at that turn around and if you don't do it, it's gone forever! ...Forever!

2) Hitch hikers are just people looking for a ride: I used to hitch hike and at that time many of my friends were also hitch hikers. Yes, a lot of them are dirty and smelly, sometimes wet and often with dogs. I will admit, some of my friends were serious assholes but when it came to getting a free ride, they were not. They wouldn't hurt, rob or put the life of the driver in danger...ever. The thing about picking up hitch hikers is to BE SMART! If your gut says "no" then don't pick them up. It's really not fair to make assumptions about someone just because they're standing on the side of the freeway. Who knows, that hitch hiker may turn into a friend or at the very least, you'll get some company while helping someone out.

3) Two (or three) pairs of underwear is enough: The same goes for socks.

4) Hand washing your clothes is awesome: There is something about only having a few items of clothing and washing them by hand that is really centering and calming.

5) An amazing landscape becomes indescribably epic with the right soundtrack: The music that works best is entirely up to the individual. As long as it's something you love and that stirs your guts, it will work, I promise!

6) You can quickly learn to sleep well, almost anywhere: With ear plugs, a pillow (a luxury thats well worth it when I have the space), a familiar sleeping bag and a good sleep mat, I'm pretty much at home wherever my head lands.

7) You will likely end up sleeping in your clothes so wear something comfortable: This also is nice when you're sitting in them for hours on end in the same position in the car.

8) Sitting in a car for hours can be exhausting.

9) Sometimes you just have to pull over and let your eyes close: You may not actually really need to sleep but just allowing your body to do it's thing and doze off for 5 - 20 minutes can mean the difference between life and death...literally. Actually arriving to your destination is more important than getting there in the time you hope to get there in.

10) You must be adaptable or it's going to suck: Car trouble, food options, other people's schedules, weather, plans, time frames and more. All of these can vary greatly by the town, by the hour, by the minute and if you can't go with the flow, you're going to be disappointed at some point.

11) Take time to visit people that you know along the way: Most people enjoy housing traveling guests for a night or two and having familiar faces (and hugs) is a wonderful thing on the road. Plus you're giving your host the gift of being a part of your adventure. People love that!

12) It really is about the journey, because when you're traveling, the journey is what you are doing.



Thursday, July 4, 2013

More Photo Adventures

It's getting more difficult to find new things to photograph on my walks in the morning because I can only walk so many different directions from my house and then back in 30 minutes. Its a bit of an adventure of paying attention to my usual and well known surroundings in a different way. And being aware of the subtle differences in those surroundings. It is certainly a fun challenge!

I hope you enjoy what I've come up with!


"Abandoned Wonder"
June 25th 



"Field Lounging" 
June 26th




"Industrial Cycle"
June 28th




Morning Ride
June 30th



 "Park Bench Quickie"
July 1st



"Party Slippers"
 July 2nd



"Alley Shanty"
July 4th

Sunday, June 23, 2013

My Week in Photo Adventures

More from my morning walks and a couple not from my walks. Enjoy!


"Beehive Truck"
June 16th



"Surprise Poppy"
June 17th



"Tree Fort"
 June 18th



"Forgotten Picnic Table"
June 19th



"Feet Hit Street"
June 20th



Where the best food comes from
June 21st



Ladira and the lovely sky
June 23rd



Adventure Selfie
June 23rd



Friday, June 14, 2013

Adventures in walking and photography

Every morning (almost) I walk my dog. Along the way there is always something interesting, pretty, odd, nostalgic (in my home town) or something that I deem photo worthy. So here is my last week-ish in morning walks. Enjoy!

June 4 Bellingham, Wa
 


"Neighbor Flowers"
June 5 Bellingham, Wa


"Shadows"
June 6 Bellingham, Wa


"Iron Adventist Fence"
June 9 Gladstone, OR


"Sunday Morning Church Sky"
June 9 Gladstone, OR


"Bridge Shadows"
June 10 Bellingham, WA


"On My Grind"
June 11 Bellingham, WA



"Nostalgic Phone Booth"
June 12 Bellingham, WA



"Unfinished Garage Door Drawing"
June 13 Bellingham, WA

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Chocolate Coconut Date Balls : Paleo, gluten free, sugar free, vegan, raw

I whipped these up yesterday and they're awesome!! Even my mom thinks so! So awesome and simple that I had to share even though I'm not a food blogger.




My recipe disclaimer:
I generally just throw things together and don't measure the ingredients out. These measurements are a safe guess as to how much I remember using while preparing them. You may need to adjust your amounts slightly for your personal taste.

1 cup dried dates
2 1/2 tbsp raw coca powder
1/4-1/2 tsp sea salt
1 1/2 tbsp coconut oil
1/8-1/4 cup pecan chunks
1/4 cup unsweetened shredded coconut


Soak dates in water for about an hour. Drain water. Chop up dates into a mushy pulp or use a food processor. Stir in salt coca and salt. This can take a bit to combine well. Warm coconut oil until just melted (you can do this with your hands too) then add in coconut oil. Add pecans.
Form into 1/2 inch balls. I made them small because they are rich and pack a punch in such a small size. (That's saying a lot for me because I can handle me some rich chocolate!)
Roll balls in the shredded coconut.
Store in the fridge because they can get a little melty.

Variations:
Whatever you want! You could use different nuts or even seeds instead, sprinkle with sea salt instead of coconut, the possibilities are endless!

Enjoy and Share!





Thursday, May 16, 2013

Adventures on a San Juan Island tour with Skitnik

Hooo boy! It's been a while. Life has been cray-Z. Here is my attempt at keeping this post to one topic: TOUR!!!

That's right...I got to go on an amazing San Juan island tour with my band Skitnik. Have I mentioned how much I love Skitnik? Haha...I'll probably stop saying that one of these days, but today is not that day.

Thanks to the hard work and connections of a couple of my band mates, we were able to play three shows on three islands in three days and it was totally awesome!

Waiting for the Ferry

We had a little fun exploring during the wait..
Photo Courtesy: Michelle Bates

This trip however, did not start out totally awesome for me. I had some type of weird stomach thing going on (food poisoning?) and I threw up three times that morning before we even hit our first destination. 

Here we are playing on the ferry. That's me on accordion. Maybe you can tell by the look on my face that I'm not feeling in top shape. 
Photo Courtesy: Michelle Bates

On our way to Waldron Island, all of us plus a few more AND all of our gear, crammed onto this little boat. 

And here are my feet on the way to Waldron :)

I think this photo speaks for itself!
Photo Courtesy: Alex Larson

Our first destination was Waldron Island where we held a music workshop for the school there. There are 14 kids, grades K-8 (I think) in one school. This place is awesome! If I had to go to school all over again, this would be the place. I could go into why but I think that would be another blog post entirely. 

The first thing I saw as I walked into the school was this beauty! Upon which my band mate immediately placed our band sign.

Waldron Island is like stepping into the 1940's. Its a totally different world there. People are very much who they are. There is a totally different level of living and simplicity when there are no paved roads, everyone uses outhouses, only private boats can access it and well I could go on...these are really only the superficial differences about living on this island. There is a feeling there that I can't quite describe. Giving it my best shot: real, calm and slow. There is nowhere to get in a hurry there and there is only so much you can hide on an island of about 85 year-round inhabitants. And really, they just don't seem to fuck around while at the same time being totally welcoming and engaging. 

That evening we played a show in the school (which is the town's main gathering place) with the band Los Hermanos. It was absolutely lovely to play for 3/4 of the entire population and to be a part of giving them some entertainment that they don't often get. 

Here is the view from where I slept on Waldron. It is also very similar to the view from the outhouse. I can't think of a more lovely place to back one out!


Next up was Orcas Island. We arrived on Orcas with plenty of time to get a good soak in at the Doe Bay Resort before our performance. I was still not feeling really well and this was a splendid way to get some serious healing on. 

There are no pictures allowed at the clothing optional hot tubs and sauna but here are a couple from the cliff near by.
 Life is rough, I tell ya!


Our show that night was at the Odd Fellow's Hall. We (ahem) didn't do a very good job advertising this particular gig. We ended up playing for and a grand total of 20 (including the other band). Despite the small number, we spared no energy. We gave that tiny crowd all we had and by the end of the night, everyone was on their feet. The energy in the room was fantastic! 

Some Los Hermanos and juggling on Orcas Island.

That night we decided to round out the night with a little karaoke at the local dive bar. Skitnik is fortunate enough to have some pretty talented friends. One of those amazing people is JustinCredible! He often does a couple of acts to our music in the middle of our set. He decided that he wanted to do his sword swallowing act during karaoke. One of our friends sang "Fame" by David Bowie, and Justin did his thing!

After the crowd went wild and the song was over I quote the seemingly perma-drunk karaoke host, "That's not fair, not everyone has a fucking sword swallower with them." Haha...I love it when we steal the show!
Photo courtesy: Alex Larson

The last day of tour was on Lopez Island. We arrived on Lopez early enough to meet some great people who allowed us to essentially take over their cozy yet amazing house and rest for a bit. I don't have words to describe the absolute loveliness of not only this house and property but even more so the people that inhabit it. 

No words. But here are a few pics.

This. House!
Chillin' out and playing a few tunes.

Rj being silly out on the part of the property where they hold "Brew Fest"

Our show that night was at the grange hall. I have no idea where it was exactly but it seemed to be almost in the middle of nowhere. The middle of nowhere...amazing! 

We packed the house and made them dance until the walls were sweating! 

When we were packed and cleaned up several of us ended up on the front steps of the grange hall. As we were out there chatting and admiring the unpredicted clear skies and almost full moon, every time someone would step out of the building onto the steps, they would stop mid-sentence and comment on the moon. So much so that at some point, we all started howling at it. 

After the Lopez show we were blessed to get to hang out with Los Hermanos at one of the member's home. What started out (for me) as an excuse to get in a little more hot tub action (still not feeling too well), turned into an amazing evening of getting to know and connect with some pretty remarkable people. It was 2 am before I even dipped a toe into the hot tub. Again, words cannot describe how absolutely lovely these people are. No. Words. 

We went to their place for breakfast the following morning and I was able to take a few pics. 

Here is the backside of the house designed and built by it's inhabitants. 


Tour dog! She'll fetch all night...literally!

You cannot resist the rope swing...

The trip was wrapped up by a fitting 6 hour wait for the ferry home. It didn't matter because I was tired and in great company. 

Other than performing and traveling the highlight of this tour for me was meeting so many wonderful new people. Seeing how they live, using their outhouses and connecting with them over the food they prepared with love for their guests, most of whom they'd just met.

Being in the band is awesome...there are a lot of perks. Especially being a part of a large, close-knit one. People are so willing to help out the band. But what I love more is being a part of what the band has to offer in return. We bring our best to the table, to entertain you for an evening, to make you dance, to help you experience your life with a little more creativity, energy and joy you may not have had otherwise. 

I was sick all weekend and was forced to forgo experiencing some of the wondrous things the San Juan Islands have to offer in exchange to have the energy to give the audience what they came for, and then some. A lot of the time I felt like a nauseous lump, hardly able to stand for more than 5 minutes, let alone carry all of my gear from one place to the next. But when it came close to time to go on, the energy would come. I can honestly say that I don't know exactly from where. Somewhere beyond me,  because when we were performing no one (not even me) was able to tell that I had been feeling terrible for the entire day before the show. The music gods, the muse, the universe, whatever it was clearly wanted me to be "on"!

I love playing music and I love playing music with Skitnik. But this tour was so much more than that. We all got to know each other better as a band and as people. It was a great way to see how well we actually all work together. And yet again....no words to describe how amazing it is to create with these six incredible people. We have something that I can only best describe as magic and I absolutely cannot be in the presence of Skitnik and not feel like the luckiest girl on the planet! ...Seriously!

Friday, April 5, 2013

Adventures in measuring my standards with my own ruler

   The other day someone told me that I was too hard on myself. In fact he reiterated this point. I seriously had no idea that he ever even noticed this about me. I know this about myself but something about the fact that he noticed this and felt the need to make sure that I understood this brought about some new awareness. How hard am I on myself? Really? I think this is something that goes so deep that it will take me a while to really understand all the levels in which I am too hard on myself. Possibly for the rest of my life.

   Somewhere along the line I got the idea that I don't work hard enough, that I'm not passionate enough or that I'm doing something wrong because I'm not living the life that I've dreamed about for so long. I also believe sometimes that I'm not good enough (for whatever...you name it) or that I screwed it up. I don't know where this idea came from but the fact that I entertain the idea that I'm not enough, that I need to be more, do more, figure it out and continue to nourish this idea, is my responsibility. I am why this idea still exists in my life.

Or maybe it's the gnomes telling me I'm not enough..


   It just occurred to me that I've been measuring my personal standard and give-all ability against other people and their standard of give-all ability. It also just occurred to me that I could ask myself, "What is my standard of give-all ability? At what level can I give my all and not lose my mind or my health?" I'm not sure what the answer is yet but I know that if I compare it to those standards of anyone else, I am using an inaccurate ruler for which to measure myself with. This goes for anything with life really, but today I am addressing an area in my life that has yet to be exposed.

   I've been struggling with depression and exhaustion lately. This has been really hard for me because I don't feel like myself. I'm a pretty energetic, go-get-it kind of person. Always on the go, in the middle of several projects. But lately I've felt completely overwhelmed by even the smallest tasks, even the things I love to do the most and I cannot bring myself to do them. I have no physical, mental or emotional energy for any of them. I am currently operating at bare bones. Ask anyone who knows me, this is highly unusual.
 
   Normally I would see this as a weakness, or a major setback causing me to fall months behind on anything and everything...my life is crumbling away and there is nothing I can do! Causing me to feel sad and defeated.

   Something different is happening this time. I don't seem to mind too much that I don't have the energy right now. I am welcoming this opportunity to rearrange my life. Because I am operating at bare bones, I only have energy for that which is most important, everything else has to wait and there's not a damn thing wrong with that. In fact I wish I could just stop everything in my life for a week or two and reassess everything...all of it. Take what I want and leave the rest but it doesn't quite work that way. I can do that if I clean out a room in the house but I cant do that with my mind.

Down time. Period.


   With my mind it's more of a process. You see, I am also plagued with thinking too much, feelings of obligation and apparently measuring my abilities against the abilities of others. But then again, maybe I want to use the excuse of excessive thought and all my obligations as an excuse for lack of action. (Am I being too hard on myself again?)

   It seems that it really is just that simple...find that which is serving my greater purpose and nourish it, the rest of it doesn't need my energy, mental, physical, emotional or otherwise.

   I don't know much right now except that I'm in great need of down time and personal reassessment. What I do know is that the amount of energy that I put into my goals can only be the amount of energy that I can put into them and not that of anyone else. If someone one else can achieve those same goals in less time or even more time for that matter, good for them. I live my life the way that I choose and if I continue to believe that I need to be keeping up with or slowing down to anyone else's pace, I wouldn't be true to myself and my personal needs. I wouldn't be honoring me.

   Right now I feel as though I am in a cocoon, brewing, reassessing, resting, changing. (Actually I think I'm still in the process of building the cocoon). The caterpillar doesn't know why it's in the cocoon, only that this is what it needs to do. It literally has no other choice. It will only emerge when the time is right. And when it does, it is beautiful. It actually sprouted wings. It has different capabilities and different needs, yet its caterpillar past is still very much a huge part of what it is. It's past life and the down time in the cocoon is what made it the butterfly that it is today.

   A pretty cliche metaphor I know, but I don't care, it's completely accurate for me and that's what matters. Whatever becomes of all this will be beautiful. I will grow my wings and I will fly. That I can guarantee! In the mean time I will be doing a lot less.